Afterlife
by weelittleboots
Summary: Life is crap for Naruto, people seem to avoid him more than usual. To find out who cares, and who doesn't, he plannes his own death. Becoming alive again will be much harder than he thought. SasuNaru and other minor pairings.
1. The Wonderful, Shitty Day

Afterlife

Author Notes: In this story, Orochimaru did not give Sasuke the seal. We can say that someone killed him a long time before that happened. But the Third Hokage is still dead. He died from… age. Yeah. That's it. And Asuma is NOT DEAD! Happy fic, this is.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. At all. But you all knew that. Honestly.

Warning: I am Norwegian. Take the consequences. There will be swearing (in Norway we swear all the time, the words has lost all meaning), and there will probably be some weird-ass English. I shall try my best, though. Oh, yeah, this will also be a boyxboy fic. Jupps. SasuNaru.

Chapter 1: The Wonderful Day, Which Turned Out To Be A Shitty Day

(Soundtrack: Macarena)

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like you're all alone in the world? Like no one cares about you? Like no one would care if you died? I bet you have. I think everyone has days like that once in a while. And I also think some people have them more often then others. I am one of those people. I'm not the regular emo kid, nor am I making problems where there are none. It's just that people have a knack of calling me annoying all the time. I mean, _all_ _the time_. And sometimes I get really sad, and then I get really angry, and, well, everyone would feel a bit down, wouldn't they? Yeah, so it's probably no good reason for doing what I did, but come on; I had to do something, didn't I? And, when you think of it, it _did _sort of work. Sort of. Just not in the way I planned. Yeah. That's it.

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The day didn't start so different from any other day, really. I woke up about twenty minutes later then I should, but since I do this everyday, it's not a problem. My stomach is used to skipping breakfast, and even though Iruka-sensei says it's the most important meal of the day, I've never believed in it. I mean, come on! It's obvious that dinner is ten times more important! Everyone knows that. You eat most at dinner, and it's the only meal where people don't frown at me for eating ramen. Or, they frown at me for eating it at dinner too, because I rarely eat anything else, but they frown more at me when I eat it on other occasions. Yeah.

So anyway, when I woke up (twenty minutes too late), I simply put on my clothes, rushed my hear a bit (although it doesn't really need it, it's always messy anyway), and ran out of the door. If Sakura knew that I never wash myself or brush my teeth in the mornings, she would never touch me again. Not that she touch me all that much anyway.

It was a pretty nice day, really, the sun was out and shining, the birds were singing and the children were playing in the streets. Sounds awful, I know, but this particular day it was rather nice. Everyone was overzoned happy, which gave people very little time to glare at me and call me a brat. And that's always nice.

You know those kinds of songs half of the world hates and half of the world loves? I'm one of those guys that love them. If not for the fact that everyone knows them, then because, well, half of the world loves them and half of the world hates them. It's fun to sing them together with people who love them, and it's even more fun to annoy the crap out of people who hates them. Why am I talking so overly much about song like this? 'Cause very much of what happened did so just because of one of those songs. Seriously.

I was singing while I was walking down the Oh-So-Happy Street, on my way to meet Kakashi-sensei, Sakura and Sasuke-bastard. To be more precise, I was singing on Macarena. Oh yes. Macarena, the one and only. Of course I don't know any of the words but "Macarena", but that had never stopped me before, and it didn't then either. Honestly, does anything as stupid as not understanding ever stop me? I think not.

Sakura and Sasuke were already by the bridge, I could see Sakura standing as close to Sasuke she could without him moving away, and Sasuke standing as far as he could from Sakura without her moving closer. It's actually a really funny sight, if it wasn't for the fact that I had seen it loads of times before and that I liked Sakura back then. How things change.

When I reached them I was still singing the wonderful song, wondering whether or not Sakura was one of those who hated it. I already knew what Sasuke thought about it. I mean, back then I thought he hated _everything_. Though when I think about it now, he almost does. And he most certainly hates the Macarena. God knows why. And of course, Sasuke hating the Macarena equals Sakura hating Macarena. So really, if I had thought about it, I would have _known_ what their opinions where, but hey, thinking is for suckers, and I am in NO way a sucker. Nope. Not me.

None-suckiness put aside, I decided to jump in front of them and do the Macarena-dance while singing as loud as I could. You know, to find out whether or not they liked the song. No other reason. Not to annoy Sasuke. At all.

So I jumped in front of them, yelling (forget the singing, fuck, I yelled) and moving (you can't really call it dancing either, to be honest) and grinning like a madman. I think I might have scared Sakura, 'cause she leaped into Sasuke's arms, and squealed that girly squeal of hers. Sasuke looked highly annoyed at the unwanted contact, he glared at both her and me at the same time (how he does it, I have no idea), and ripped the poor girl of his arm. "You're an idiot, Naruto," he said, still shuddering because someone touched him. (He's a wuss, isn't he?) Then he fixed his glaze upon (or downpon, since she lay down on the grown) Sakura. And the look he sent her, ladies and gentlemen! It was the coldest, iciest look I've seen on his face for a long time, a look I thought were reserved me. No regular glare there, no. That was a pure look of hate. Then he walked away. Of course Sakura blamed me for it, though _I _had never looked at her like that.

"Naruto! This is your fault!" she screamed at me while getting herself off the ground. When I tried to help her she hit my arm, real hard. "Why do you things like that? Do you want him to hate me? Huh? Naruto, answer me!" There were tears in her angry eyes, and I knew without doubt that the moment she was finished screaming at me, she would break down. After a while on the same team as her, I have learned some things, after all. One of them is: "Sakura breaks down when Sasuke's been mean towards her, but only after taking it out on me." An other one is: "Never talk back when Sakura is in a frenzy." Never. That'd be suicide. So I stood still and let it come, even though it wasn't my fault at all. I'm a nice fella, I really am.

I don't remember all of the stuff she said, but I do remember the last two sentences. "I hate you, Naruto! Why don't you go kill yourself, so I won't have to look at you again?" I don't know, she might have said something very much like it before (she probably had), but this day those words would be fatal. Or at least, most of the village would soon think that they were.

When I stood there, watching Sakura running away in the other direction of the way Sasuke had walk away in, I felt really… empty. Yeah, that's it. I felt empty. I didn't think too much about the it right then, because as earlier mentioned, thinking is for suckers, and even though girls do it all the time, I've never gotten exactly how you think about your feelings. Right by my apartment there lives this crazy arty-farty girl, and I overheard her say something about "feeling your feelings" once. How do you do that? Or, rather, how do you _not_ do that? I mean, if you don't feel your feelings, you don't feel your feelings, which means you don't feel, right? Some people are weird.

So I waited for Kakashi alone, feeling uneasy without thinking about (or feeling) it. When he finally arrived, not as late as he usually is, but still late, he seemed sort of cranky and annoyed. Don't ask me how I get his moods with his mask on, 'cause I don't really know. I guess that too is something you just learn after a while. I've also learned that Kakashi isn't really annoyed for nothing, and was about to ask him what was wrong when he turned towards me. "You're the only one here. Why is that?" I put a hand behind my head and laughed nervously, wondering what I should tell him. I ended up with something along with: "Er. I scared them away?" which was really the truth. Or, I scared Sakura, who scared Sasuke, who scared Sakura, who shouted at me, and they both left. But I have no problem taking others blame, and that I said what I said to Kakashi obviously proves it. It's weird that people never praise me for being a generous guy, 'cause I really am. Seriously, I am.

Kakashi wasn't really pleased with that answer, which caught me a bit off guard. Usually, he would have been amused and said something like: "Well, we'll just have to go get them, then. And we'll do a D-ranked mission I have prepared, just for you!" and smile underneath his mask. But not this time. Instead he said: "We'll drop it today, then. And do twice as much tomorrow." He turned away from me, and dropped down his shoulders, and not in the "I'm-too-cool-to-stand-straight-up-like-any-other-person"-way, it was more crushed and defeated. _Really _unusual. "You better get yourself together, Naruto. This isn't good enough." I didn't know exactly what was wrong with him, but understood that it was something big. It's not _that _weird that I mistook his weird attitude for hating me, is it? I don't think so. Everyone would have thought that Kakashi-sensei was mad at them if they were in my shoes. Especially after Sakura and Sasuke being cold towards me earlier.

He left in a _poof,_ like he always does, and I was left alone at the bridge again. So, what to do? I didn't stay and think about how mean everyone had been towards me, 'cause as you might have gotten now, I'm not one of those kinds of guys. And if you haven't gotten it, then you're really stupid, more stupid than the most stupid person in the world, which would be you. So there! But that's just the ones who doesn't get it, so all you others don't go around being offended by the incredibly clever insult I just made. I'm really clever, come to think about it. Never crossed my mind before, but geniuses don't usually know that they're geniuses at first, do they?

Anyway, I wandered towards Ichiraku, where they serve the best ramen ever, thinking that maybe Iruka-sensei would be there, and maybe, if I got super-lucky, he'd treat me. I started humming on Macarena again, just the thought of free ramen made me happy again, and why wouldn't it? I don't think it's anything lovelier than free ramen, honestly. There might be some things and persons who compete with it, but free ramen is the one thing I can always turn towards. Free ramen doesn't snap at you when you're being annoying, does it? Nope, it does not. It's just simply there for you. Or, to be more precise, it's just simply there for me.

Already far from the ramen stand I could see that something was wrong, although I couldn't really place what it was. But I stopped humming on Macarena. When I got a bit closer, though, I could see there was a note attached to the front of the stand. It scared me, it really did. What if it was closed forever? What if the chief were dead, and couldn't make more ramen? What if they didn't want me there anymore? Of all the things that happened that day (and I've only told half of it yet), the fright of something serious being wrong with the Ichiraku's is one of the one feeling which remains in me, though I try to shake it off as much as possible. I still shudder just by the thought of it.

The note didn't really say any of those things, though, but it was still bad. It would be closed for a week. One whole week! Without Ichiraku's ramen! It's terrible. And in a way, I'm really happy that I did what I did that one week, and not one where Ichiraku's were open, 'cause that would mean that I'd have to go one more week without ramen than I already have. And that would have been very unnecessary and stupid. So it might have been faith that it happened right then and there. Although, if the ramen stand_ were_ open, I'd probably not do what I did. Anyway.

I was pretty much crushed when I left the empty, closed and once-so-warm place. And even though the birds were singing, and the children still laughing, and the sun still shining, it didn't help at all. Actually, it annoyed me without an end. Why should those stupid kids be happy when I'm not? As I walked further, but no longer with any goal, I heard shouting not far away on my left side. And not happy-shouting. Really mad shouting. And, pissed as I were, I decided that looking at other pissed people might cheer me up. Again, I didn't think.

If I had thought, though, I would have listened closer before moving towards the loud shouting, and if I had listened closer, I wouldn't have moved closer either. Honestly, who interrupts Ino on a day she obviously has PMS and is shouting at someone? Someone either very stupid, or very brave. I say to myself that I'm one of the brave ones, but right then, I _might_ have been a bit stupid. Or maybe I was both. All I know is that when I was close enough to see who did the shouting, and who was shouted at (which was Shikamaru, big surprise), I couldn't turn away. No way in hell if I could. I might have could if she didn't spot me. But she did. Which equals a pretty dead Naruto. And a pretty relieved Shikamaru.

"You! You upset Sakura this morning!" Ino came towards me fast, really fast, and though I'm not that much of a wuss that I'd back down, I really wished to. I still wish I did. Ino is so scary. "And I had to hold her in my arms for, like, ten minutes! Me! As if I don't got other things to do with my time!" It always surprises me how insensitive she and Sakura is towards each other, even though they're best friends. I should be used to it, but I'm not, and I don't think I ever will be. "And then I came too late to meet the others, and Asuma made me do all the crappy jobs, and I broke a nail," she waved one of her hands dramatically in front of me, so fast that I couldn't really see anything wrong with anything. Did not comment on it, though. I'm not suicidal. She continued her rant. "And today I was supposed to finally get together with Sasuke, because it's about damned time that I do, but YOU," she pointed a finger directly at me "YOU made him go home, and when I knocked on his door he simply said that he had had a crappy day, and that I should go somewhere else, and it's because of you, you, you… " She poked me hard with the same finger she pointed at me earlier, and with the risk of sounding wussy, it was really hard, and it really hurt. "You goddamned fucking loser! Stop being in the way for _real_ people!" And then she turned and left, really fast and really angry.

Shikamaru looked at me, and simply walked away, as if nothing had happened. For him, it probably hadn't, when I think about it, he's probably used to Ino's crazy moods, but I wasn't (and aren't), so I stopped him. "Hey! Aren't you supposed to thank me?" I asked, and I felt it was the right thing to say. If someone stopped Ino (or Sakura, for that sake) from shouting at me, I'd go down on my knees and thank them. Shikamaru, on the other hand, didn't. "Why should I? It's not as if she won't continue what she was at later, anyway." He looked at me with what I guess was a bored look, but right then it felt really pissed and sourly. "This is so troublesome," he muttered, and walked away, with his hands in his pockets. I stood left alone, ignored, insulted and with a really painful throbbing in my chest where Ino had poked. Ok, so it might have been that it wasn't soooo hard, and soooo painful, but it felt painful, and it felt hard!

So, there I was, feeling about as crappy as someone could without turning emo, wondering what to next. Should I just go home, and wait for the next day to come and see if it turned out better than this one had? Or should I wander about to find something that could make me happier? I chose a third one. I chose to search for joy, as stupid as it might sound. First person I thought of was the old hag. Ok, she's not really sensible, but at least she can take your mind off whatever it's on. Always. Even if her comforting me would contain a bit screaming and a bit violence, I didn't mind, Tsunade is one of the only people who can both tell me to go to hell and be affectionate at the same time. There's really only one other who can do that, but I didn't know that at the time, and he'd already blown me off, sort of, so I headed towards her office.

Would I find what I was looking for at the Hokage-tower? Well, you probably already guessed it, but if you didn't, then I must tell you, no, I did not find what I was looking for. I found two angry guards. They told me that the old hag was busy (of course, they didn't call her an old hag, they said "Hokage-sama", but anyway), and would be for the rest of the day. It annoyed me to no end. "But it's important! I need to talk to her!" I stomped my foot hard in the ground, and held my arms crossed over my chest, to make a point. And a good point it was. The guards laughed at me. "Yeah? And what is so important?" I was about to tell them, but then it occurred to me that it really wasn't anything specific. It was more a lot of things. And what should I tell them? "Well, you see, I'm not feeling really good at the moment, and I need the old hag to insult me and hit me so I can feel better." Nope. Genius as I am, I understood that they wouldn't let me in with that. So I just stood there, hands crossed over my chest, wondering whether I should stomp my foot again. "You see, brat," one of the guards said to me "the Hokage is way to important to deal with someone like you." He eyed me up and down, with obvious disgust. It hit me pretty hard.

I shouted some bad things to them both before I left in a very huffy way, almost the same way Ino did earlier. It was all done very sophisticated and respectful. Oh, yeah, they know who's the boss now. When I was out of their sight, I kicked some random can near me as hard as I could. The can hadn't really done anything wrong, but some sacrifices must be taken sometimes. This time, the can had to sacrifice. It's life. Yeah, it's sort of barbaric, but that's how war is, you know. Ok, so the can wasn't in war, and neither was I, actually there wasn't any war at all, but anyway. It really isn't that big of a deal. It's a fucking can, for Christ' sake. Geez.

After I was done kicking (and also killing) the (poor) can, I thought about what was left to do. I found what I then saw as the last option. Iruka-sensei. Kind Iruka-sensei. Always nice. Except when he's bitchy, and when he's angry, and when he's worried. But other than those times, he's always nice. Usually.

So I walked in the direction of Iruka's house. It was starting to slowly get darker outside, and there were no more happy children in the streets. Which annoyed me. For fucks sake, couldn't I even get someone to glare at? I was pissed enough, I don't really think I could feel much worse at the time, and to not have any way of transferring the anger really sucks. It does. So I glared at anything and nothing, and got more annoyed because no one glared back, and that really felt good. If you understand. If you don't, well, that's your problem. It's quite obvious that everyone can't be smart. There aren't many of us.

Iruka-sensei lived in a really cosy area, with trees on every side of the road, and flowers and bees and all that shit. I've never really liked it there, I guess it's too perfect, but Iruka-sensei loves it. And when you think about it, why wouldn't it be? I mean, come on, he's a teacher. Every teacher is, like… neat and stuff. Or, Kakashi-sensei isn't, but he's not really a teacher either. He's more of a guider. At least that's what he likes to tell us.

But seriously, back on track. I don't know why I keep on getting distracted all the time. Maybe it's some sort of sickness or something? You know, some people have learning difficulty, maybe I have concentration difficulty? Anyway. Iruka's little house is usually the nicest and neatest and most idyllic house on the whole street, and as I stood in front of it, ready to knock on his door, I noticed that it wasn't this day. I don't really know why, but it felt darker and gloomier of some sorts. And though I don't really like the perfect world, it doesn't mean that I like the gloomy one either. I knocked anyway, though, 'cause I thought it might be that _everything_ would seem gloomy on such a day, Iruka-sensei's house too. It took my old teacher long time to open, but not long enough for me to knock again. To be honest, Iruka-sensei looked like shit. I won't lie. He really did. One part of my brain told me to "bugger off, can't you see that he's been crying?" but the other one blatantly ignored it. The other part thought: "He might not have had the best day, but your day is _way _worse, no matter what." So I didn't leave, I just stood there and looked at him, waited for him to let me in.

"Naruto?" he finally said, after a pretty long time "What are you doing here?" He blinked a couple of times, he's eyes were all red, and I understood that he really _had_ been crying, both parts of my brain, but I didn't really care anymore. It's horrible to think that I didn't, but I'm not going to say that I didn't notice, 'cause that would be lying, and I do that as little as possible. But to make it sound a little better for me, I want you to know that Iruka-sensei knew that I felt like shit too, and that he cared as little as me. So there we were, both pretty miserable, both knowing how the other felt, and none of us caring. I asked if I could come in. He told me no. We stood there looking at each other for a couple of seconds, before he said: "Listen, Naruto. I have had a bad day. I can't deal with this now. I'll talk to you later."

I don't really know why, but it really made me angry. It's perfectly understandable, he wanted to be alone, and I should have respected that, but I didn't see that. All I saw was that I felt like shit and he didn't care. It hurt, ladies and gentlemen. It hurt, real bad. And though it later would make me sad, that's not how I took it then. It rarely is. In the moment I see red. And I did. I shouted at him, and some of the things I said were so bad that I don't want to repeat them. At first I didn't go anywhere I hadn't gone before, I said he was stupid, that he didn't care, that he was a bad teacher. But then something just sort of turned around, and all of a sudden there came words out of my mouth that I didn't want to say. I said things about his parents, and his parent's death, and I said some things about Kyuubi part in his parent's death. I said to him that I could see their faces. Most of what I said was wrong. But I didn't care. I just wanted to hurt him. And, oh boy, I did. He didn't even respond. He just stood there and took it, and when I was done screaming he looked at me and said calmly that he didn't want to see me again. Then he walked in to his house again, and that was it.

I went home. I don't remember what I thought and felt when I did. I remember a cat running by me, I remember going the wrong way and having to turn around, and I remember how my orange jumpsuit made this weird sound every time I took a step. I'd never noticed that before. But I can't recall a single feeling, or thought, from those twenty minutes.

I collapsed outside my apartment. I do remember what I felt then, but I'd rather not. I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time, I felt like crying. Seriously, just crying. I promised myself, on a mission with my team, that I wouldn't cry from sorrow, only from happiness, so I didn't, but, God, I was so close. And why wouldn't I be? Say what you want about the things that happened to me that day, but I felt like the whole world was against me. It seemed that way. And then, completely out of nowhere (or, she must have came from somewhere, but come on, it sounded dramatic and nice, so let it be) this old woman was standing in front of me.

"You," she said, "you're the demon, aren't you?" I didn't answer her, 'cause I've learned that it's wisest not to. "I take your silence as a yes." She looked at me, her eyes were old, I could see that, and she'd seen a lot of things in her life. You'll probably laugh at me for this, but right then and there I thought she was sent from somewhere to comfort me. Like, an angel, or a God, or something like that. It's quite obvious that she wasn't. "I want you to know, _demon_," and she put pressure on the word "demon" in a very nasty way "no one wants you here, you disgusting little _thing_." Again, she put pressure on one of the words, this time "thing". I don't know why, but her calling me a thing was way worse than her calling me a demon. Thing made me sound… like a dog. You're evil, and we don't like evil things in this village. So just leave." And then she left.

I'd heard it loads of times before, of course, and she didn't use the harshest words, but to make up for it she said it in just the right time. Or wrong time, depends how you look at it. And that was what did it for me. I'd had it. The world obviously didn't want me. Some of the people during the day had even told me so. I thought: "No one would care if I died today. No one." That was really depressing, seriously, more depressing then running out of ramen. Sakura's words echoed in my head. "I hate you, Naruto! Why don't you go kill yourself, so I won't have to look at you again?"

And then something lit inside of me. Why don't I?

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So, what do you think? Good? Bad? Should I continue? Please review, I'll be superhappy. Superhappy xaayp equals new chappie, if you want one. Hurray. I think it's so cute that Naruto cares more about his ramen than anything else. It really is extraordinary cute. And by the way, do you notice how this chapter is on _exactly _5000 words? It's done intentionally. Oh, yeah, it is. I rock. XD


	2. The Marvellous Plan

Afterlife

Author Notes: Hoho! I've got reviews. That's so fab, people. Thank you! I've got lots of shit going on this week, so writing this chappie was done ten minutes at time. Hope you don't notice this too much. Heheeeh... Oh, and I forgot mentioning this the last time, Naruto and the people are about… seventeen years. Naruto's so immature for his age.

Disclaimer: Again, I don't own "Naruto". Duh.

Warning: Still there be some swearing, and still there be some weird-ass English, and still there be boyxboy. Yoho, and a bottle of rum.

Chapter two: The marvellous plan

(Soundtrack: I've got the power!)

Some times I am to smart for myself. I mean, honestly. A guy at my age shouldn't be able to come up with what I came up with. I don't think most of the guys I know would, actually. It's just me. Gods, I'm smart. I don't even think Sasuke could have done it. I've told him too, but then he always says: "I would have thought, you idiot." I don't really understand what he means by that, but I always call him a bastard anyway, 'cause I pick up the "I'm-so-much-better-than-you"-wibes. Not that they're really hard to pick up. Every time he smirks, there's one of two things he thinks about. The first one is that he's better than me, the second one is… a secret. Yeah. Forget I said anything about that.

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To kill yourself is a hard decision to make, it really is. To pretend to kill yourself so you'll see how people react _really_ is a hard decision to make. Or, the decision itself wasn't so hard. It was more pulling it trough. How do you convince a whole village you're dead? When many of them are really cool and skilful ninjas? Long enough for them to keep a funeral? Well, I really don't flatter myself all that much, but I got to say, I'm a goddamned genius. Really. I mean, how smart can one get? Apparently, really smart.

If you haven't got what the fuck I'm talking about, let me tell you. Earlier, at the same day as I so marvellously planned the scheme of a lifetime, people treated me like shit. To put it simply. And I thought: "Fuck, they wouldn't care if I died!" And _then _I thought: "Maybe they'll be really sorry if I _did_ die." And _then _I thought: "Why don't I just simply check it out? Why don't I see how my so-called friends and family would react if I died? Or better, killed myself because they treated me bad?"

So that's were we were gotten. I was sitting on my floor, thinking about how to do it. I didn't want to die, no chance in hell if I did (or do, oh no, I'm gonna live forever!), so that option was one hundred percent out of the question. But I still had my head fixed on the thought of seeing how people would react if their big main annoyance just simply… died. I get like that sometimes. Fixed on certain things. And when I do, there's no way turning me around. But I think it's good, you know? I like it. At least I go through with things.

I am, as earlier mentioned, pretty smart, and it didn't take me too long time to understand that I'd have to have a replica for me. Some sort of doll, but one looking exactly like me. A clone, of some sorts. Now, to tell you the truth, I actually _can_ make clones, and they _do_ look exactly like me. It's really cool, and none of the guys at my age can do the same. It's just me. You know, I really am a genius. The only problem with my clones is that they disappear at the moment they get hurt badly or die. And I needed a clone that wouldn't die. So what do I do?

Well, you probably have this figured out too, just like I did, 'cause it's not all that hard to come up with. I just had to make the clones not disappear. It seems easy. It really does. But I swear to you, it's not. The _idea_ is, but to pull it off… That was work. I'm a hard worker, even though it might doesn't seem so, and I've had some rough nights before. But this time it was much worse. I didn't only have to push myself physically, I had to think too. And even though we have pretty much established that I'm smart, we have also established that I'm not to keen on thinking all the time. I'm not used to it. And that's what made the night really difficult.

To make a killable clone, you have to think. It's not just to make a clone and hope he'll die like any other human. Nope. It's not. Half of the night I sat thinking about what would work, and half of the night I tried everything out. My head hurt so much at the end of the night.

I'm not going to tell you all of the failures of the night, it would both take way to long time and be a bit embarrassing, and so I'll just skip to the success. 'Cause of course, there was success. I don't stop 'till I get success. It's the "fixed-on-certain-things"-stuff, remember? Anyway, this is what I did: I made loads of clones, like, let's say thirty, and then I sort of smashed them together. Yeah. Into _one_ clone. Don't ask me exactly how, 'cause fuck if I know, but I did. And I only managed to do it one time.

It was pretty nasty, trying to kill someone who looks and acts exactly like me. Most of the clones that night (actually, all but one) just poofed away in some smoke (like Kakashi does all the time) when I went all crazy on them, but the one who didn't… It was nasty. Really. It felt a bit like killing myself. I was lucky with the way I killed my clone, though. It did really look a suicidal. I slit his wrists. With a kunai. It bled like hell, and I saw something in his eyes I haven't seen in any of my clone's eyes before. I saw pain. I could see it hurt him. And that hurt me.

And then he was dead. He fell on the floor and was dead, and I thought: "Wow. I just killed myself." It was a weird thought, and I think I would have thought it was weirder if it wasn't for the fact that my plan had succeed. 'Cause the moment after I was done thinking about how weird it was, I only thought: "This'll show them, this'll show them, this'll show them!" all over again and again. It was kind of fun, really. Though I don't think I'm a typical party-pooper, I can have fun in no time.

I had to write a suicide letter. I knew that much. Or else they might've thought I got killed (honestly, there are soooo many people who hates me, about every villager would want to kill me), and that would be no fun. They were supposed to think I killed myself because of them, you know. So I wrote, and this is how it turned out:

_Dear everyone._

_I've had it. The world doesn't want me anymore. Or, the world has never wanted me, but now it's worse. Now _you_ don't want me anymore. Dear Iruka. I am so sorry for what I said. I lied about most of it. I spoiled everything. You were the last person I trusted in, and now I can't anymore. I'm sorry. Dear Tsunade. I'm sorry you are too damned important to talk to me. You have very good guards. They get the message across. Dear Ino. Well, I'm not standing in the way for the real people anymore, am I? Dear Shikamaru. Hope you won't find this too troublesome. Dear Sakura, I've done what you told me to do. I hope you're happy. Dear Kakashi. I couldn't do better. I'm _so_ sorry. (Please don't be late for my funeral) Dear old stupid lady I met at my stairs. You suck. And that's about it of people I blame for my last days of misery. I'd like it if I get buried with some ramen, but I can't really expect you to put up with my wishes, since I'm a monster and an idiot and all that. _

_Naruto._

_Ps: Sasuke, you're a bastard. _

And that was that. Too be quite honest, I think it turned out pretty good. Really, I do. And though I didn't know right then why, I couldn't make myself blame Sasuke in one second. Not on the paper, and not in the real life. I thought about it a bit then, and to be honest, he hadn't really said or done anything he hadn't any other day, except the scaring-Sakura-part. Of course, I was a bit wrong, but not much. I didn't really care that he called me an idiot anymore. Or a loser. Or a moron. The list is long, but the point is, I didn't really care anymore. He could call me what he wanted.

… Oh! That sounded wrong! Ouch. Uhm, what I _meant_ was he could insult me and I wouldn't care. Shit, if Sasuke reads this, I'm so dead. Or, not really dead, but… He would… do some stuff to me. Uhm. Forget it. Sasuke shouldn't read this. Period. But then again, why would he? Getting distracted again.

I sat there, now on my way to small bed (which was really all the couch I had), looking at my letter, and smiling to myself. I thought the end of it was good. Even though I didn't blame Sasuke for anything, it was cool to call him a bastard at the end. Really cool. And then, bam! all of a sudden, I realized that I had to be somewhere too. And where the fuck would that be? I mean, I did want to see how people reacted, so going away would be stupid. The only real possibility was to go all invisible. And I had about three hours until I had to meet at the bridge, and I thought pretty cleverly that someone would check out why I wasn't there. Three hours to find a solution to how to be invisible is far too little.

Again, I had to use my genius-skills. I didn't really make myself invisible, that would be way to hard, I did something cooler. I don't know if I've told you, but I can make frogs appear, just like that. I did so, and, again, don't ask me how, sort of put my mind and control and thoughts into the frog. It doesn't sound all that easy, but it was easier than killing "me". I don't know how I did it, but there I was, on the ground, as a frog. I remember thinking: "Shit! Frogs don't eat ramen! What do I do, what do I do?" Then, of course, I calmed myself down (I am extremely good with situations like that, always calm and stuff), and thought: "I've succeed. I rock. I can't wait to see their faces. Hoho!"

And then I waited for someone to come and find the suicide letter and the dead me.

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Yeah, I know, it's a bit short, but hey. It's not super-good, but it's all right. Keep on reviewing! XD


	3. The Finding of a Dead Guy

Afterlife

Author Notes: I've got reviews again. Yay! Reviews make me so happy. Uhm. Jupps.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Again, duh.

Warning: Boyxboy, some swearing and some weird-ass English. Heheeeh, I try my best. But even if it's some weird stuff here, you'll forgive me, 'cause I'm so cute.

Chapter three: The Finding of a Dead Guy

(Soundtrack: One Of Us Is Gonna Die Young)

Sometimes something I've planned out really carefully happens in a totally different way than I planned. Actually, it's usually when I've really planned out something really carefully it happens in a totally different way than I planned. That was confusing. But stuff like that _is_ confusing. Really. I don't like to be all confused. It's… well, it's confusing. When I'm confused, I feel like I'm stupid, and that's not any fun at all. I really am pretty smart, and have a not-so-bad confidence, so I'm not used to feeling stupid, and feelings I'm not used to confuse me. Get it? The point is, it doesn't always go smoothly when I plan things. No matter how smart I am.

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Waiting for someone to come and find my dead clone was pretty boring, especially 'cause I was in the shape of a frog. What can a frog do when it's bored? I couldn't really think of anything, and I still can't. Geez, what does a frog do at all? Jump around? It occurred to me that the life of a frog must be boring, and that I would never live as a one again. I mean, come on.

So anyway, since I was so damned bored as a frog, I decided to give the clone a name. You know, so I wouldn't think of him as me anymore. And to pass time. Now, what do you call a dead and extremely good-looking and once-so-smart guy? I started listing all the smart, good-looking names I could think of. The first one that popped up in my head was of course "Naruto", but that wouldn't work, and smart guy as I am, of course I got that. Then I thought "Sasuke", but that would even be more confusing. I didn't think about why Sasuke popped up to my head when I thought about smart and good-looking, which was really a good thing, 'cause if I had started with _that_ I would never find a name to my clone.

After a while had gone, though, I found the perfect name. I called him Harry (1). It's a handsome and cool name, and it also sounds pretty intelligent. An intelligent guy with good looks would so totally be called Harry, if he wasn't called Naruto or Sasuke. Seriously.

At last, though, after I had also tried to get up on the table (a big failure, of course, frogs don't jump _that_ high), eat the stuff under my bed (tasted horrible, it's a long time since I cleaned under there), watch my own tongue (my frog tongue had so many weird dots, you wouldn't believe it!) and dance Macarena as a frog (also a total failure, duh), there finally came people. Not just any people. Sakura.

Made sense, really, that she was sent. Kakashi was (and still is) too lazy, and Sasuke was so damned into not letting anyone know he cared (he still sort of is, but it doesn't work anymore), and if both of them went against Sakura she'd do exactly what they wanted. She pretends to be really independent and all that, but that's bullshit. Just nag enough, and she gives in. Or, if Sasuke nags enough, she gives in. anyway.

Her face, ladies and gentlemen. Her face as she walked in and saw the dead body on the floor, the face when she took up the letter, the face when she tossed it on the ground and started to cry. It was priceless. Not exactly what I thought it should be, but still priceless. She was sobbing and shaking and repeating my name over and over. It was pretty cool. Sort of sad, 'cause I hurt her, but mainly just cool. I mean, she'd never ever show any feelings towards but hate before, so seeing her crying like that just because of me was sort of awesome.

I jumped up to her, to let her know there was someone else but her here. I pushed her with my tongue. That was even more awesome. She shrieked, and jumped away from me. Then she looked at me for a couple of seconds, and I was waiting for the "Ew! That's gross!", but it never came. Instead she looked at me, and pressed me into her chest. I won't lie. I enjoyed it. How long had I wanted to touch her breasts? God, if I knew all it was going to take was to turn in to a frog, I would have done so a long time ago.

… Sasuke _really_ shouldn't read this.

I didn't expect the reaction I got, I really didn't. Yeah, I expected some shock, but for her to cry and press a frog against her chest (let's face it, she would _never_ do that under normal circumstances), that was one of the last things I thought she would do. And then she did the last thing I thought she would do. She talked to me. As a frog.

"Oh, God!" she sobbed "You were here when he did it weren't you? It's my fault he's dead! God, I'm so sorry!" And then she babbled some nonsense I didn't quite catch, but I sort of got the message. And guilt replaced my earlier feeling of success. I'd made her feel that bad. I'd made her feel hug-a-frog-kind of bad. And that's bad. Then again, I didn't expect her to break down like she did. I didn't.

She sobbed out some more words I didn't understand, before she shut entirely up, with a gasp. "Oh. My. God. He's dead. He's really dead." She let go of me, leaned over Harry (remember kids?), and hugged him. Tightly. Then she said my name some more times before she told Harry that she'd be right back. To me she said: "Take care of him, will you? I'm going to get Kakashi and Sasuke." She caressed Harry's chin, and left quickly, still hulking.

I jumped my way over to Harry. It's really ironic, her telling me to take good care of him. I killed him, and she asks me to take good care of him. That's really funny. And when I think about it, again, I really_ was_ too clever for my own good. I made her believe everything I pulled out. That's really impressive, honestly. Genius-Naruto.

So while I waited for her to bring Kakashi and Sasuke-bastard, I had the time to taste the stuff under the bed again (still tasted like shit), look some more at my tongue (it was still weird and bulky) and taste some more of the stuff under my bed. Then they came, one and two and three, and the whole team 7 was present. And Harry. Harry was also there. But for the rest of the team 7, the ones who weren't (and aren't) geniuses, they thought it was the whole team 7 and a frog. Some people just don't get it. But then again, I didn't want them to either. I'd be pretty screwed if they did.

Kakashi ran as fast as he could towards Harry, and checked his pulse. Which, of course, wasn't there. He looked more serious than I've ever seen him, more serious than when he was when fighting Zabuza, more serious than he was when the third Hokage died, more serious than the time he was talking about teamwork. He stood up, and looked at Sakura. "He's dead." Then he started walking out of my door. Sakura stopped him. "Sakura," he said, and he sounded so tired, I still remember the tone of his voice perfectly "go home. Go home, eat something and get some rest. I'm going to see the Hokage." He turned towards Sasuke-bastard. "Stay here and look after him, will you?"

Sasuke didn't answer. He stood there, frozen, exactly the way he had when he came. His hands were closed, and I could see he was clutching them hard; he was white all up his arms. Kakashi went out, and took a sobbing Sakura with him, supporting her out of the apartment and telling her that it'd be okay. The door closed, and Sasuke, Harry and I were left alone.

Sasuke's eyes were wide, and he was biting his teeth hard together. He took a step closer towards Harry's lifeless body, and so did I (or, it was more of a jump, but, hey, whatever, right? Point is, I moved closer.). Then he closed his eyes, and his eyebrows knitted together in a weird way. I had never seen Sasuke like that before, and I doubt I ever will again. It scared me. It really did. But, come on, it'd scare anyone! Sasuke's a scary guy.

I jumped over to him, and tried to do the same thing I did to Sakura, lick his leg to get attention. I managed the licking-part, but he didn't move. He just stood there. Looking at Harry. I licked him again (I remember thinking he tasted better than the stuff under my bed. _Now _I know it's because he rubes himself in with body lotion at least once everyday, but then I just thought it was weird.), but got no response this time either.

So I sat there, beside his feet. We were both entire still. I got the feeling that I shouldn't move, but, God, it was boring. I know I'm supposed to say that I felt something big and special inside me at that moment, but I didn't. I felt like I had to sit there entirely still, like when under detention, and that it was boring. I remember thinking "Why doesn't he move? Is he an imbecile or something? Yeah, he isn't as smart as I am, but geez. His best friend just died, for fucks sake."

He didn't move, however. I thought he didn't care. Sometimes even geniuses are wrong.

Then, after what seemed like hours (oh, what a pretty sentence to use!), the old hag and a couple of her guards came running into the room. Tsunade ran over to my body, and I could see she was crying. She, just like Sakura had, said my name over and over again. Then she picked up the letter. When she was done reading it she smashed my table. My stone-table. That woman is so scary, even scarier than Ino. Although I'll never admit it to any of them.

It was then I realized the two guards in the room were the same guards who sent me away when I felt like shit. That was cool. I thought: "They're gonna have some real problems trying to explain why they're in my suicide letter. Hoho!" And they had. Oh, fuck, they had. Tsunade turned towards them, slowly, and controlled. So controlled you could see something wasn't as it should be.

"Do any of you know _why the hell_ you're mentioned in this?" She hissed the words out, and held the letter so hard I thought it was going to smoulder up or something. The guards didn't answer. Smart choice. She continued talking. "It stands: _Dear Tsunade. I'm sorry you are too damned important to talk to me. You have very good guards. They get the message across._ That's what it says. Right here. **_What the fuck is this?"_** They still didn't answer. Not so smart choice anymore. Tsunade punched on of the guards out of my apartment and out on the street. Right through a wall. And an other one.

The other guard started to shake. "I…" he started, and swallowed. Hard. "We… I… We thought you were busy. So we told him you were. We didn't know… We didn't… never meant to…" He finished weakly, looking down on his feet. Coward. "_This boy was precious to me!_" she continued, but she was shouting now. "He still is! How, _dare_ you telling him that I was too important for him?" She fell down on her knees, and now she was shaking and sobbing. "Oh God, he's dead! I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do!" She put her hands in front of her face, and repeated my name again. I had been expecting that. And I felt horrible.

I always knew she cared about me, and doing this to her was mean. It made me feel like shit, it really did. So I jumped towards her. It sounds stupid, and it sort of was too, but I wanted to comfort her, and tried the best I could. I licked her. With my bulky, weird frog-tongue. This caused her to stop sobbing and repeating my name, and she looked at me. "Were you one of his little friends?" she smiled at me, and picked both herself and me up. "You're going with him. You see, we're going to move him, so he can have the nicest funeral ever." She sobbed again, and tears were running down her face, but at least she was smiling. "Would you like to join?" I have no idea why she thought I was capable of answering her (2), but it didn't really matter, 'cause she started talking before I would ever have the time to do so. "Of course you would."

She looked at the remaining guard, cold and hard, and told him to wake up his friend and carry Harry out and wherever she was going with me. I didn't quite catch it, I was to busy staring at her cleavage, since she had put me on her shoulder, and I had the best view ever.

…

I'm sorry, but I'm a guy! Guys do stuff like that! Get on with it! Geez.

When the guards came back, one looking pretty fucked (but, come on, he was) and one looking pretty relieved (and come on, he should be) Tsunade had managed to break down once more, I had managed to jump into her cleavage, and also tasting it. She hit me for that one. Can you imagine? Hitting a frog? The last living creature that was with someone close to her? The last living creature that was nice towards that special person? Ok, so I never really was nice towards Harry, but then again, he never really was close to Tsunade either. So it's a double-lie. From my part. Both of the lies. Uhm. Yeah. She still shouldn't have hit me.

The guards put Harry (carefully, may I add) on something to carry people on, and carried him away, and Tsunade followed, now with me in her hands, clutching me so hard it hurt. But not enough to squeeze me dead, and as long as it wasn't hard enough to squeeze me dead, I didn't really care.

On the way out I noticed that Sasuke was still standing there, with his eyes closed and his hands clutched hard. The exact way as he did when I last looked at him. There really only was one difference: a single tear slowly ran down his cheek.

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1: This isn't funny for any of you English-speaking people (and hardly for any Norwegians either), but in Norway Harry (the word) means about the same as white trash. We say "Gud, så harry!" and you can translate that into "God, how white trash!" Sort of. And it's a really ugly name. About as ugly as a name can get. Except from Gunn-Harriet, Golla-Hauk and Petter-Martin (all real Norwegian names, people!), but come on, that's just too mean. Poor Harry didn't do any harm.

2: Uhm. Yeah. I know the frogs talk and stuff in the manga (and anime, for that sake), but in this fic, they don't. Gama Bunta still does, but he won't really be a part of this fic (I think, haven't thought it all through yet, writing it as it goes), so I don't know why I'm mentioning that. Whatever.

Author Notes: So, yeah. Hoho! Chapter three is all done. It's so pretty and shiny. Mmmm. Heh, writing this in the middle of the night, so I'm a bit tired. But it's still pretty and shiny.


	4. The Letting People Know

Afterlife

Author Notes: Muah to all of you! I dunno, fanfiction has been acting weeeeeeird lately, so if some of you haven't got a reply from me, that's why. Uhm. Yeah. I don't think the alerts are working either right now. I haven't got any of my alerts lately. So yeah. Whatever. Story! Or, warnings and disclaimer first, but then: story!

Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto. Poo...

Warning: I am still Norwegian, so I still swear and curse and write weird-ass English. (About the swearing-part, did you know an averege Norwegian uses the word "fuck" when speaking Norwegian more than an average Englishman or an average American does when speaking English? Fuck isn't even in our vocabulary.) And there will still be boy's love. In some time. But it's coming! Hoho!

Chapter 4:The Letting People Know

(Soundtrack: I Have Come To Tell You I'm Going – Mick Harvey)

People are weird. They don't show a hint of a warm feeling towards you when you need it, but when you obviously _don't _need it (reffering to being dead – or Harry) they over float of it. They cry for you, and swear and scream and sob, and repeat names again and again. There were a lot of repeating names to Harry – and none of them were his. Actually, all of them were mine. All of them might not be right, though… both of them. They shouted "Naruto" and "Uzumaki". Both my names. None Harry's. Or… I made him. Maybe he could be Harry Uzumaki? That would be cool. It would almost be as if I had a family! All right! Though, the story of my little family would then be pretty sad. And crazy. "The poor lonesome guy made himself a brother, which he had in a couple of seconds before he killed him. Then the lonesome boy used his brother to make people love him." Yep. Story of my life.

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I remember thinking about two things from the walk to the Hokage office. One of them was Tsunade's big boobs. I mean, is it possible to have that big boobs without falling all the time? They must be a heavy weight, so really, Tsunade should be falling forward all the time. Or maybe she's taught herself to always lean a bit back, so she's all balanced? I don't know. Boobs are really weird. But nice. Weird, but nice. Like so many other cool things in this world.

The other, and most important thing, was Sasuke. Or rather, Sasuke crying. Why did he cry? He didn't move towards me, or scream, or repeat my name, or faint or anything else. It didn't really seem like he cared. I thought. So why did he cry? I would find out later (and believe me, that was shocking!), but since I didn't know anything at the moment, I pondered over it until we got to the old hags place.

The guards stopped outside the big house, waiting for Tsunade's orders. They had gotten beaten up good enough that day (one mentally, and one physically), so they probably didn't want to do more mistakes. Which was, really, pretty smart of them. Though they both need to grow some goddamned balls. Tsunade looked at them, wondering why the fuck they had stopped. One of the guards (the one who got lucky earlier) made a little noise from way behind his throat, before he spoke.

"Uhm… We thought maybe… I was wondering where you want him." He pointed towards Harry. "I mean, so we won't go the wrong way with him. You know, it would be stupid if we brought him into a meeting, or something. Imagine that!" He laughed nervously, then noticed Tsunade's look, and coughed. "Uhm. We'll just take him up to your office, Hokage-sama." She nodded, and the guards brought Harry up, while Tsunade still carried me.

Once we were up, both of the guards disappeared pretty quickly. One can understand them. I was left alone with an unstable, crazy and fucking strong woman and a dead me-look-alike. It was scary. Tsunade just sort of sat beside Harry, caressing his cheek just like Sakura had done, smiling sadly and crying at the same time. I just sort of sat at her desk, where she had placed me. There I noticed two things. One, I hadn't tried to croak yet. So I did. It was pretty cool. Two, the old hag had a picture of me there, just beside the pictures of a stupid-looking boy, a pretty nice-looking young man and Ero-sennin.

That both broke my heart and fixed it at the same time. I was that important to her. It was nice. And also a bit sad. When looking at her shaking figure there she sat beside Harry, I felt really bad, and it occurred to me that I would probably feel a bit bad a couple of times 'cause of her. A little something in my plan I hadn't really calculated with. But that's usually how my plans go.

I didn't want to sit there and feel both warm and cold at the same time anymore, so I croaked again, a little loader this time. Tsunade looked up, tears still streaming down her face. "Oh, yeah." She said, looking at me. "You're right. I have a phone-call I have to make." I realized I sat right next to a phone. I croaked again. Sure, she could make her phone-calls.

She walked right up to me, took the phone in one of her hands and started to pet me with the other. It was weird. The petting, I mean. The phone call wasn't. Or, maybe a bit, but then again, she thought I had just died, so whatever.

"I want every person close to Naruto in my office in ten minutes." That's what she said, and that only. It was a bit short, but, like I said. Then she went over to Harry, picked him carefully up and laid him on some weird thing I didn't know she had at her office. I had never seen it before. But whatever. It wasn't really a bed, or a sofa, but a combination of the two. It was a good place to put a dead body. Maybe she had put dead bodies there before. I don't know. There's a lot of weird things with that hag, I don't think I'll ever reach to the depths of her weirdness. For all I know she has loads of dead bodies at her office, all of the time. You never know.

Ew. I need to stop thinking like that. Never leads me anywhere but trouble. Ew.

People were at her office nine minutes after she made the phone call. There were a lot more people than I thought it would be. Actually, most of the people I knew were there. My whole team were there, minus Sasuke, Asuma and his team were there, Gai and his team, Kurenai and her team, Gaara (Gods know how he managed to get there in nine minutes), Iruka, Konohamaru, Shizune and Jiraiya. With me, Harry and Tsunade, that's twenty-three people.

Everyone but Kakashi, Shikamaru, Gaara and Shino gasped when they walked into the room. Hinata fainted, and everyone was to busy staring at Harry's dead body to catch her, so she basically just fell on the floor. It made a pretty loud noise, but I don't think anyone noticed. Sakura was holding on to Kakashi, who had closed his eyes. Iruka ran over to Harry.

He cried. And shouted. And swore. I had never heard Iruka swear before. I didn't like it. Everyone was silent. Iruka hugged Harry's dead body, and he cried into his shirt that he was so sorry, so sorry. I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault, but then I'd both be lying and fucking up my cover, so I didn't. But I didn't like to see him like that. I liked hurting him less that I liked hurting Tsunade. Iruka was the first person that was ever there for me. He was the first person to care about me. To love me. And when he cried and shouted and swore I felt something nasty inside of me I had never felt before, and never have since. I hope I won't ever feel it again either.

The old hag coughed, carefully, but loud enough for everyone to hear. Iruka stopped shouting, he reduced his noise to just crying and swearing now and then. "Everybody." Tsunade opened her whatever like so much other stuff had been opened. She's not all that original. "As you can see, Naruto is dead. It isn't a trick. It isn't a lie. He's dead." It's so cool that she actually _said_ that it wasn't a trick, or a lie. I feel so smart. Haven't thought about that before. Didn't as I sat there. Which is really weird. I should have. Anyway. "Naruto killed himself. Because he felt we weren't there for him. He left us a letter." She took up my letter from her cleavage. It really surprised me. When had she put it there? Didn't I watch it, like _all_ the time?

She read my letter. Clearly and load, except from the parts about Iruka and her. Her voice broke down on her there. Iruka was sobbing harder and harder throughout my letter, and so was Sakura. I still don't really get why she cried so damned much. She'd heard it before. Sure, more of the people there were crying, but besides from Iruka, no one cried as much as her. Maybe it's because she's such a girl. I bet it is. Girls are pussies.

"Ps. Sasuke, you're a bastard." Tsunade ended the letter, and looked up. "I hope everyone mentioned in this letter feels as guilty as I do. Actually, I hope everyone here feels guilty. None of you were there for him. Neither was I." She said the last part a bit quietly than the rest. Then she shut up, and when it was clear that she wasn't going to say anything more, there were a lot of shouting in the room. Kiba shouted at both Ino and Sakura and Shikamaru at once, Ino shouted at Sakura, Sakura shouted at Ino, Iruka shouted at both himself and Harry, TenTen shouted to get everyone to shut up, Gai and Lee just basically shouted, and I croaked. Then Tsunade punched a hole through her floor, and everyone shut up. At least a bit.

"You are all here so we can discuss how his funeral will be." The old hag continued as if there were no shouting or punching holes in floors for just a couple of seconds ago. "He will of course be buried with ramen, and if anyone here says anything against it, I will punch a hole trough your bodies instead of punching holes in the floor." She nodded against the hole in the floor. "OK?"

Jiraiya raised his hand, and she nodded at him. "I agree. He should be given ramen. But should we cook it before we bury it down with him, or keep it raw?" Everyone looked at him, and there were completely silence. Even Iruka stopped crying and swearing and hugging Harry, just to look at the crazy man talking about ramen when his underling had just died. Jiraiya continued. "It would, in some way be best if we cooked it, 'cause then he'd get the taste, but also the smell. It would probably smell pretty awful." He looked around, as if he wanted someone to nod and go: "Yeah, that's a good point." Since nobody did (they were still staring at him as though he were crazy), he continued, but on a different topic.

"Also, I do know that he died a virgin. But I don't think he should be buried a virgin. That would be cruel, don't you think? So, who's volunteering to fuck the poor guy?" For a second or two, everyone stood entirely still, wondering whether or not this guy really was for real. They probably would have stood like that for a long time too, if it weren't for Tsunade. She already knew that Jiraiya was for real, and that he really was like that. She was used to it. Imagine that. And she has a picture of him on her desk. _That _guy. She really needs to get her priorities in order. Although, it might be better with pictures of him than dead guys on sofa-beds.

Ew.

Anyway, she stood up and punched him, hard, but not as hard as she had hit the guard earlier. I could tell, not just because of the way Jiraiya took it (I mean, he's way stronger than the fucking guard), but from the way Tsunade's muscles sort of did not jump at all. And from the almost not visible smile on her face. I don't think anyone but me saw it, but then again, I don't think anyone but me understood what Ero-sennin had tried to do. He wanted to lighten the mood up a bit. He didn't want people to say goodbye to me (or Harry) angry at each other and sad. At least that's what I try to tell myself. I like to believe that's what he meant.

The mood _did _lighten a bit. Iruka was still crying, but silent, and he wasn't swearing anymore. No one shouted at each other. No matter what Jiraiya had tried to do, it really did work. For a half second I was proud to be his student. But only for a half second.

Tsunade continued, now with a smile tugging her lips. "I will discuss the details of the funeral with a selection of you. The rest of you are here so you can tell me if there's anything special you think would be right for his goodbye." She smiled melancholic, and loads of people raised their hands. She stopped them, with raising her voice. "I will call up the names of the people to stay! Sakura, Kakashi, Jiraiya, Gaara, Neji, Kiba and Hinata. I would also like Sasuke to be here, but since he is not…" She wrote down something in a red book. I'm pretty sure it's the book she writes the names of the people she's going to kill. I have no idea how Sasuke survived. Or… I might have. Anyway.

"Well. Anyone got any objections?" Tsunade looked up, and though there were some people who raised their hands, they took them down again pretty fast, all of them looking at the hole in the floor. "No? That's good. So. Anyone got anything for his funeral?" Lee and Gai raised their hands at the exact same time. There were tears streaming down both of their cheeks. "Miss!" Lee said, after getting a signal from the hag. "I feel Naruto should have statue! To honour him! I will make one, miss!" Gai made a weird little squeal and hugged his look-alike. "Oh, Lee! What a wonderful guy you are! I volunteer to make it with him, Hokage-sama!" They cried even more now then before.

It's weird with Lee and Gai. You never really know what they feel, 'cause no matter what, they always cry. I could honestly not tell right there and then if they were crushed by my death or happy. They're freaks, really.

Anyway, Tsunade nodded, and some more hands shot up in the air. Ino asked if she could do the decorations, so it would be "a bit him". Tsunade said she'd discuss that topic later, with the people selected to stay. Chouji didn't say anything about what food it should be. Shikamaru asked if there would be speeches, and who could hold them. Tsunade told him that everyone who wanted to make a speech would ask her, and she would either tell them no or yes. All of the hands up dropped except one. That one hand belonged to Sakura.

"I… " She had stopped crying now, but her voice was still weird and crooked. "I don't think we can have the meeting afterwards without Sasuke. I don't think it would be right. Besides from Iruka," she pointed at Iruka, who looked at her. "he was the one Naruto knew the most, and the one he stood closest to. I think he should be here." Tsunade looked down. So did everyone else. "So do I," she whispered, not loud enough for anyone but me to here it.

This put me completely out of it. Why did everyone get so serious? Ok, they already were pretty serious, but this was different. It was as if everyone in the entire room (but me and Harry, of course, me simply because I didn't know and Harry because he, well, was dead) knew something together, and never spoke of. They actually did, though, but I didn't know that. It was freaky. I mean, geez. How could I know what the deal about Sasuke was? Or what the deal about Sasuke _and_ me was.

Though when I sat there, I did sort of understand it was something. I didn't have the slightest clue what, but I still knew he and I had a weird and special relationship. And it hurt me that he wasn't there, discussing my funeral like everyone else.

Then Jiraiya snapped everyone out of it, with a: "So! You think _he_ should be the one to take away Naruto's virginity?" I didn't count, but I think at least ten people hit him for that one. He deserved it.

Tsunade chuckled, before she let out most of the people. I was left with Harry (who was indeed like he had been most of his life; dead), Iruka (he was still crying silently), Sakura (she hadn't started sobbing again, but anyone could tell if you touched her, she would), Kakashi (who both looked at Iruka and Harry at the same time, and looked sadder and sadder every minute), Kiba (who looked pretty pathetic, poor guy, holding on to Akamaru like he was a teddy bear), Gaara (looked exactly the same as always, sad to say it), Neji (looked serious and sad, but not breaking down or anything), Hinata (she was crying silently and supporting herself on Kiba), Jiraiya (didn't have the goofy look on his face as he had earlier, looked as serious as when he talked about Orochimaru) and Tsunade (she had both the let's-do-business-look, the I'm-so-angry-I-need-to-smash-something-look and the my-favourite-idiot-has-just-died-look on her face).

"So. Let's find out how to deal with this."

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Author Notes: Hum. So, yeah. I've finished another chappie. Good? Bad? Too sad? Tell me darlings.


	5. The Meeting

Afterlife

Author Notes: Aw, my pretty ones, you're so great! Prrr. This story is pretty much coming up as I write, so we'll see what happens… I know how some things are gonna turn out though, and, even though I know you probably want emo-Sasuke in this chappie, you're gonna have to wait some more. I don't want him completely out of character, you know. But he'll appear. Yeah. Muah!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Warnings: Yeah, I'm still Norwigian, so there will still be weird-ass-English, and there will still be some swearing. And it's still going to be boyxboy.

Chapter 1: The Meeting

(Soundtrack: It Takes a Fool to Remain Sane)

Some people don't show some parts of them before something really special happens. Like. If a friend dies, or something like that. Or if a friends clone dies. Yeah. Anyway, people are weird when they're sad, they take things like that so different, it's crazy. Some people are scary when they're sad, 'cause they go all Godzilla. By that, if you didn't understand, I mean mad. And some people are even scarier, 'cause they don't go Godzilla at all. They don't go anything. They act like they don't care. That's so uncool. I don't really know how I take stuff like that (no clone of a friend of mine have ever died, you know), but I'm pretty fucking sure I wouldn't pretend nothing happened. No way. I'm not one of those guys.

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Tsunade had a chair to everyone there (except me and Harry), without me noticing where she got them from, or when she got them out. She didn't have them there earlier; there wouldn't be enough space if she had. She does have _some_ talents other than her breast, you know. There is a reason why she's the Hokage of Konoha. Although I don't really think it's because she can make chairs appear out of nowhere. Uhm. I'll need to ask Jiraiya on that one. He should know.

Everyone sat down on a chair each, and I noticed there was one spare. Neji noticed too, and looked at it in his own special weird way. It's like, when he wants you to see something, you do. He has that weird ability. It's pretty cool actually. Of course, if I was a human at the time, I would have looked at the chair in an even more mysterious way, earlier, and everyone would have noticed at the second I turned my eyes at it.

…

Ok. He _might _have noticed first, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have noticed pretty fast. Anyway.

Tsunade looked at the chair. "That's for Sasuke." No one commented, and Neji nodded. Tsunade put her hands on her table. "There are some things we'll need to talk about. I will list them now, and if anyone thinks there are more things, you'll say so after we're finished talking about the first stuff, all right?" Everyone nodded. That's a thing the old hag has, an amazing authority. You gotta give it to her there. There are not many who fuck with that lady. Anyone who does turns either dead or one of her most beloved. It's pretty much a lose-lose situation.

…

God, I'm funny too! Not only am I a genius, not only am I incredibly good-looking, not only am I strong, I'm funny too! I should have written down stuff and happenings a long time ago. Good way to find out how great I am.

"The first thing we'll need to discuss is who we're going to invite. We can't let anybody in, and we'll also need guards. _Competent _ones." She sneered out the last sentence. "The villagers are going to take this differently, all of them, and it'll probably be someone who'll try to trash his funeral. That is _not _going to happen." She looked over at Harry, who lay there be like he had the whole day. "We own him that much. So. Who to invite, and where to put them?"

No one spoke for a couple of minutes, before Iruka spat out something too low for anyone to listen. When someone (Kakashi) asked him to speak up, he practically screamed. "You're taking this way too lightly!" He looked up at Tsunade, and you could see he was furious. Angry tears streamed down his face, which was all red. "He's dead! He's fucking dead! And you're sitting here talking about whom to put where? Fuck you!" He'd started swearing again. Both him and Tsunade were standing up right now. "Someone has to do that too, don't they?" The old hag was screaming now, too. "And how dare you tell me to fuck me? I am the goddamned fucking Hokage of this town!"

"Well, you're a poor one! You couldn't even keep your favourite villager alive!" That shut her up. She sat down, and put her head in her hands.

"I know. But neither could you."

Once again, guilt rushed through my entire little frog-body. How could I have done this to them? Iruka would never, ever, scream to a Hokage like that, and the hag would never, tell someone to shut up because she's the "goddamned fucking Hokage". Never. It was wrong and weird, and it made the mood worse, if possible.

I croaked to get it better. It didn't really work, but at least I tried. Then Kiba took the initiative to try to make it worse again.

"I say fuck you both. You're both in his letter, aren't you?" He pointed at the letter, and Akamaru barked. "If it weren't for you, he'd be alive, wouldn't he?" He looked around. "In fact, weren't most of you in his letter? Didn't you all, sort of, kill him?" There was silence for another couple of minutes. Nobody moved, before Ero-Sennin spoke.

"So would you have done, if you met him that day."

What hit me was how they hadn't gotten anything done at all since the chairs opened. That's suspicious, I think. Maybe Tsunade's talents weren't all that much? Or maybe it didn't have anything to do with the chairs. Anyway, I croaked again, and jumped onto the chair Sasuke was supposed to sit in. There I croaked again. Croaking is cool. That's one of the two things I miss with being a frog. The croaking, and my weird, bulky tongue.

Hinata touched Kiba's arm, and he sat down, but in a very angry and huffy way. It was kind of girlish, really. "So, who to invite, then?" Neji said his first words of the meeting, if you don't count the looking at the chair, and honestly, why would you?

"I think we should invite the people who were here earlier, plus Sasuke, of course. And the staff of Ichiraku's. And your siblings, Gaara?" Tsunade spoke again, and Gaara nodded at her words about his siblings. "If there's someone else you think should come, tell me." Sakura raised her arm. "Uhm. I think we should invite some of the people who were there during the first chuunin exam. Like Anko, and Genma? Also, I think we should invite Tazuna and his family. From Naruto's first real mission." Tsunade nodded.

"Anyone else?" No one talked, and I croaked. I found the guest list pretty satisfactory. "Ok, then. Next topic. Who to carry him." She didn't look at Harry this time, she just continued talking. "I have already decided on this one, but if some of you don't agree with me, you tell me. I want Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi, Iruka, Jiraiya and me to carry him. Also, it would be nice if Gaara could steady him with his sand. Ok with everyone?" It wasn't.

"That's only people in his letter, minus one guy, and he suggested someone to fuck him after his death!" Kiba was standing again, and shouting. "All fuckers! There is no chance in hell you're gonna be the ones carrying him, no way!"

Kiba was probably the one who surprised the most that day. He always insulted me, and laughed at me, all this time. Even after the first exam, when I kicked him and his dog's butts. And here he was shouting at people, as if he were the saviour of my life. Uhm. Death. Whatever, you get the point, really.

"Sasuke wasn't. He was in his letter, but not as one of the guys to fuck him up, was he?" Sakura was speaking again. She really is becoming more and more like Tsunade.

"Well, that guy isn't even here, for fuck sake! His best fucking friend isn't even here! How about that?" Kiba sat down again, but didn't stop shouting. "And, come on, it's not like he really cares, is it? He's the coldest fucker in the town! I bet he didn't even react when he found out!"

"And since when did you start to care so fucking much?" Iruka was standing again, shouting and swearing. He shouldn't be like that. "I remember, you always bullied him back at school! And don't pretend you didn't!"

"Well, things have changed! He's chanced!"

"Yes, he has." Gaara pushed Iruka down on his chair and shut Kiba up with his sound. "He's dead. It shouldn't have happened. But it did. And to be honest, I think we should find the old lady in his letter." He took a pause as his sand went back into the weird thing he carries it in. I have no idea what that is. It's weird. I think it might be made of sand. Anyway. He had everyone's complete attention now. "And kill her."

People stared at him for another seconds, before Tsunade spoke. "We can't do that. Even though I want to, we can't. It'd be bad. Since I'm the Hokage and you're the Kazekage and all that." Gaara nodded. And I thought: "What the fuck? Kill her? For saying something thousands of people have said before her? Are they crazy? Or didn't they know?"

They must have known. They must have. How can one live in Konoha without knowing every person there hates me? Hates me openly, may I add. When I think about it, it's sort of stupid of them not to care before they're forced to. But, hey. I can't have all, can I? I already have a beautiful face and body, extremely great intelligence and a fantastically good sense of humour. And I guess that's enough. I'm modest too, you know.

"So. Who do you suggest, Kiba? You?" Tsunade looked at the angry guy who was petting his dog in a bit… intense way. He looked a bit like a maniac.

"No. That's not what I meant. I just think he should have someone who… openly cared about him both before his death and after." He looked down. "That excludes me." His voice was weird and bitter, and he'd stopped petting Akamaru. He was shaking, and gripped on to the dog's fur, in a way that must have hurt the poor animal. Angry tears dropped from Kiba's eyes. Hinata touched his shoulder. I croaked again. It had worked before. Didn't this time, though.

Sakura stood up. "I give up! We can't do this without Sasuke!"

"Don't scream, Sakura. It's annoying." A new voice appeared from the door, a voice I knew very well. There he was. Sasuke-bastard. He looked exactly as he had the day before, when he'd called me an idiot. Totally indifferent. "Shikamaru told me I should come here if I wanted to make a speech. I do. Preferably late in his funeral. And, sure, I can carry the idiot."

He stood there for another couple of seconds, with his hands in his pockets. No one said anything, but I could hear Kiba growl, and feel Neji's cold glare, even from there I sat. "And by the way, that frog is really ugly." And then he left. That was that.

I didn't get anymore of what happened the rest of the day. They probably sat a date for Harry's funeral, and talked about the flowers and stuff like that, but they could have sat there and said nothing, and I would have heard exactly as much as if they were screaming. Sasuke… didn't care. He didn't care. The tears I had seen on him must have been a mistake, I thought. And he said I was ugly! How could he do that? Ugly? Me? Even as a frog I'm extremely handsome. The hottest frog of the bunch.

I know now it was just a defence-mechanism and all that, but it doesn't really help. He acted like a total bastard. And in front of everybody! He pissed me off so bad I forgot both my tongue and my croaking. That's bad.

And when I sat there, thinking about the bastard (more than he really deserved, if you ask me) my funeral was planned, and before I knew it I was laid in the bed right next to Tsunade.

She had a pyjama on, for the record.

"Sleep well, froggie. Tomorrow there's a lot to do, and the day after that, we'll say goodbye to a very special boy. Nigthy, night." Then she turned of the light, squeezed me in between her enormous boobs, and I lay the rest of the night thinking about a certain bastard.

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Author Notes: Yeah. Next: the funeral! Hoho! It'll be a blast. Swear. I'm not sure how this chappie turned out. So tell me, sweethearts? Also, I know this is completely off topic, but I have the biggest crush possible to have! Yay!


	6. The Funeral or The Parting of Harry

Afterlife

Author Notes: Uhm. I don't think I have anyone this time. Nah, I don't. Oh, well. Yeah! I have, by the way!

Disclaimer: Still not the owner of Naruto.

Warnings: Weird-ass English, some swearing and boyxboy. Although I shouldn't really have to _warn_ about that, but whatever.

Chapter 6: The Funeral (or The Parting Of Harry)

(Soundtrack: Last Goodbye – Jeff Buckley)

My funeral was pretty… surprising. And that's to say it mildly. I think my little frog-heart almost jumped out of my body at least three times. And that's without me being a pussy. Everyone's heart would jump of their body if they heard stuff like I did that day. And I was a frog, which makes my body and heart small and weird. It was really pretty damn good of me to keep that heart inside, really. Yeah.

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They worked all the next day to fix my funeral. I didn't join them. First of all, it was my funeral, so for me to help would be… weird. And second of all, I was a frog. How the fuck would I be able to help? I could do only three things right, and that was croaking, licking and jumping. That doesn't help anyone. Really. Or, both the croaking and the licking _did_ some times sort of make people less… shoutie. Yeah. But it doesn't really help. I was useless, and that's that. Yeah. It was pretty comfy.

And then the day came. The day Harry would really be gone forever. It made be sort of sad. We'd been trough a lot together. Or, I'd been through a lot with him. He has pretty much just been… dead. Yeah. But he makes a good corpse. Definitely. But then again, of course he does, he looks just like me. And I make a good anything.

Anyway, when I arrived (one of the guards (but not one of _the_ guards) carried me there) everything was pretty much set. It was outside, and I was really surprised how _me_ it was. 'Cause it really was. There were large orange banners with my name on them, swaying in the wind, and every chair had a little spiral on the top. In front there stood this big scene, almost, and on it lay Harry in one of those things you bury people in. Do not remember the name for them right now. He was still wearing my orange jumpsuit. On the sides there were tons of ramen, so the whole place smelled intensely of it.

Oh God, I wanted ramen! I wasn't hungry or anything, Tsunade had given me some yucky insects my frog body loved and my human mind hated this morning, but it was _ramen_. One of the two real loves of my life. Beautiful ramen. I missed it so damned much.

The guard waved to the old hag, and she picked me up, thanked the guard, and walked up to Harry. "One hour to go, now. Huh, Naruto?" She sat down beside him, took up his hand and put it on her chin. "God, you're so cold! Naruto…" Still holding Harry's hand, she started to sob silent. I leaned towards her as far as I could. And we sat like that for forty minutes.

Then guests started to show up. There were many people. All the people at the meeting earlier (Lee and Gai brought a full-size statue of me and put it on the stage-like thing), Genma, Raidou, Anko (she brought fireworks "for later use"), Ibiki, the whole Ichiraku-team, Gaara's siblings, Konohamaru's friends, Ebisu, Tazuna and his family, some Hyuuga's, and some people I had never seen before. Apparently they had seen me fight, respected me and wanted to honour me. Hell yeah.

Sasuke was there too. He seated himself as close the scene-thing as possible. Even though he must have seemed completely indifferent for everyone else there, I could see he twitched when he saw Harry's dead body. Which completely put me out of it. What the fuck?

I've gotta give it to the bastard, he's goddamned fucking confusing. He _knows _how to fuck up a poor guys mind. More precisely, he knows how to fuck up my mind. Even when he doesn't try.

I didn't have any more time to think about it all though, 'cause Tsunade went up on the scene-thing, with me on her shoulder.

"Everybody. We're here to say goodbye to one of the greatest guys Konoha had to offer. Speeches will be hold before we…" She broke of her own words, before she continued. "As much as I hate having to say this, I still do: I will have no words about the Kyuubi. Not one." She took a pause, and looked at Harry. "I loved him. Like a mother loves a son, I loved him. And that's that. And I hate myself for letting this happen to him."

She put me down on the stage, before she walked down again, tears streaming down her face. There I stood. As a frog. On the stage. I wondered if she wanted me to make a speech. If she did, we were pretty much fucked. I could only croak.

She didn't though, I understood, as Iruka walked onto the stage. He was crying now too, and I wondered if he had cried non-stop since Harry died. Wouldn't have surprised me, his eyes were so red.

"Tsunade said she loved him like a son." Iruka was sniffing, and hulking and sobbing while speaking, and looked like he was about to fall down any minute. "I didn't just love him like a son. To me, he was my son. The only one I'll ever have. He was my son. And I fucked him over."

I cannot express how much I felt right then. It's not possible. Here he stood, and told everyone I was his son. Really his son. I was croakless. I still am, really.

"He came to my house, and I _knew_… I knew he needed me. And I turned him down. There's no excuse." He put his face in his hands, and sobbed. "Kakashi…"

Now _that _shocked me. Kakashi? What the fuck? Why is he saying Kakashi's name in my funeral? I probably should have gotten it before, but then again, no one else did either. There was murmuring around, people were whispering and gossiping. Already. Sometimes, people suck.

Kakashi stood up, and the murmuring grew. He sighed, went up on the stage, and took Iruka in his arms. Then he looked at the people, and started to talk.

"Iruka didn't turn him down without a reason." He let Iruka go. "We… We've had a relationship for some time now. And the day Naruto died… before that happened Iruka and I had a fight." He looked down. "I… I blew him off too. And Naruto was important to me. Just like he was to everyone else here."

Then he and Iruka went down from the stage, Iruka supporting himself on Kakashi. I still sat there. Completely shocked. What? Two guys. Together. In a relationship. Two _guys_. I couldn't believe it. It was the weirdest thing I've ever heard of, or seen, for that sake. God, that's funny. How much that shocked me. Geez.

But it wasn't just that they were both dudes, it was also the fact that it was _Iruka_ and _Kakashi_. It sort of pissed me off that Iruka hadn't told me. Shouldn't fathers tell their sons stuff like that?

Oh my fucking God. I haven't thought about it before. I have a stepfather. That stepfather is Kakashi. Kakashi. The biggest pervert since Jiraiya. That means Iruka and him… ew! Ew! That's even nastier than dead bodies at Tsunade's office! Ew! Old people aren't allowed to do stuff like that. Although, when I grow old… uhm. Yeah. But that'll be something different. I'll never have kids, so, there! Ew. When I'm done writing this, I'm so going over to Kakashi's place to kill him.

I'll remember to knock.

So, that was the first time my heart almost jumped out of my little frog-body. The next time came after Hinata's speech (it's impossible to write it down, it was basically just stuttering and crying and once in a while a "Naruto", but it was still very touching). After she was done, Shikamaru walked onto the stage. He looked bored. I understood something was wrong pretty quick.

He looked directly at my little frog-body before speaking. "Naruto wasn't really close to me. That doesn't mean I didn't like him. I did." He yawned. "You might want to know why I'm here talking about him when he's not that special to me. Well, I just want to say, that if he were here I would have told him…" He smiled a half crooked smile, while looking at me. Then he looked at the crowd. "I would have told him I know what he did. And I'm not going to be the only one. I'm going to tell Tsunade right after his funeral. That's what I would have told him." He looked at me again, waved, and went down.

That was even more shocking than the man-man relationship. Shit in hell, motherfucking cocksucker of a buttlicking devil's forehead. Fuck. One thing was him knowing. But he would tell Tsunade. That was _not_ ok. She would kill me. Literally. She almost did, too.

I still don't get how he managed finding out about it, but then again, he _has_ over two hundred in IQ. That's a lot. He's probably the only one in town who's as smart as me. Have never gotten my IQ checked out. Should do that.

People were murmuring even more now than before. And I could see several glares shot at him. Iruka, Kiba, Neji and Tsunade were looking at him like he was the one who killed me. I so happened to spot Gaara; probably because he was looking at me so hard it almost hurt. Then the left side of his mouth almost twitched. Translation: he smiled. And I understood that he'd gotten it too. Then he turned his eyes to the next person speaking. It was Kiba.

He growled. "I don't know what the fuck that was about, Shikamaru, but it better be something real, or I'll kick your whiny little ass." Shikamaru muttered something (I think it _might_ have been "troublesome…"), and Kiba growled again. Then he put his dog down (he'd carried him on the way up), and looked up at the sky. "I never was really nice to Naruto. I don't know, actually. But I never was. But…" Akamaru barked, and Kiba sat down and started to pet him. He continued doing that while looking up at the crowd and speaking. "But he was my bud. An idiot," he laughed "but still my bud. I liked him. And that ugly orange jumpsuit." He laughed again. "I'll remember him." He stood up, and smiled to himself, with his head hanging. I could see a tear running down his face. It was really sad.

Then Sakura walked up on the stage, and I thought: Shit. It's like sad and sadder and sadder again, and guilt and more guilt and more guilt again. So, yeah. She looked really unstable, still.

"I… I won't say too much. I'll leave that to others." Here she looked at Sasuke. My little frog-head didn't get shit. "I'm… God, I'm so sorry." She started sobbing again. She really _is_ unstable. "It's my fault. Mine. I told him to… I told him to… I loved him so much! He was like my brother! I… I'm so sorry…" Her words drowned in sobs, and Kakashi once again had to help someone down from the scene-thing.

I didn't know where to put myself. I wanted to break the frog-jutsu and go "Hi, people, I'm just kidding!" But honestly, I think that would be very stupid, and I'm not stupid. We all know that.

Then it was his turn. _His _turn. Sasuke. My heart jumped a beat as he slowly walked up to the middle of the stage. He looked almost like he always does when nothing happens, but I noticed some difference. He was stiffer, in some way. Usually when he walks he sort of glides, smoothly, but it was something a bit… twitchy with the way he was walking there. Almost invisible, and I don't think anyone else noticed, but that doesn't know I didn't. I know the bastard way too good. It's almost scary.

He stood still for a couple of seconds, before he spoke.

"I'm not one of those guys who shows to much emotion. In fact, some of you might think I don't have any. That I don't feel anything." He stared at the crowd intensely. "I have. And I do. Naruto… he was the most important person in my life." I could see him shaking, tightening every muscle in his body. "Not only was he my best friend. Not only was he my biggest rival. He was the person I loved. In every way." The last three words came out as whispering, and he was looking away, in the other direction from Harry and me. "I never told him. And now he'll never know." He looked up again, and tears were running down his face. "The idiot would probably be grossed out by it. At least he'll never find me disgusting now. But I'd rather have him living and hating me than being dead and… Fuck! He's gone. I…"

And then he fainted. He tries to make me believe he "passed out", but honestly, he fainted. And no one moved to help him for a good while. Just because they were shocked, I guess.

And, shit, was I. Fuck, not only was it sad, sadder, sadder again, not only was it guilt, more guilt and even more guilt, it was shock, shock and fucking_ shock_. If you didn't get it, this was my third "Fuck-It's-So-Hard-To-Keep-My-Heart-In-My-Body"-moment.

I couldn't believe it. He _loved_ me? In _every _way? The first thought in my head was: "Woah, that means he thinks about me when he jerks off! Cool!" The second thought in my head was: "Oh my God, that means he thinks about me when he jerks off! EW!" The third, and last one was: "Oh my God, he loves me." And it stopped there. Nothing more, and nothing less. And after thinking about it for a couple of seconds… well, it wasn't so shocking anymore. And not so gross either. I didn't think, like, "Ooooh, I want Sasuke to rub me in with things and lick me all over", and I didn't think about holding hands with him and kissing him and being mushy with him either. The thing is, I won't say I all of a sudden fell in love with him, 'cause I didn't. But I liked him loving me. It fit.

Kakashi came on to the stage again to carry Sasuke off. I croaked at him in a very cute way. I felt sorry for him. Then, on the way down with Sasuke, I heard him whisper something about "likin' asses too". I croaked at him in a very scary and angry way.

Then I checked out the crowd. People weren't whispering, they were talking loud, not caring if anyone heard them. Ino was crying and shouting at Shikamaru at once. He had his fingers in his ears, wile looking at me and sniggering. I looked at Gaara. He was smirking, with his hands crossed over his chest, also looking straight at me. Bastards, both of them.

Then Tsunade walked onto the stage again. "That was all the speeches. Those who wants to, can say goodbye to him now." She walked up to Harry, hugged him and whispered some words I couldn't hear. Then she placed herself right next to him, looking like she was guarding. She probably didn't trust guards anymore.

A lot of people came to say goodbye to Harry. In fact, all the people did. It annoyed me to no end. Yeah, give _him_ all the love. I was jealous as hell. Which is of course stupid. He was dead. And they thought they said goodbye to me. But still. So I stopped watching all the people, and started to watch Sasuke. He had woken up, and was sitting as the only person, looking away from it all. I wanted to talk to him. At least croak to him, or lick him. So I jumped down from the stage, and down to him.

I licked him, before I croaked. When he answered me, it didn't surprise me. In my days as frog, I learned that a person who's mentally broken have no problems by speaking to animals. Basically just 'cause they won't answer, which means they won't ever get the wrong answer.

"You're not really ugly," Sasuke murmured. "A friend of his?" He nodded towards Harry. I croaked, as to say "yes". He got it. "I was a friend of him too. I was his best friend." We sat for a moment or two, looking at the people hugging and kissing and repeating my name to Harry. After a while Sasuke spoke again.

"Do you think he would have hated me?" It was almost a whisper, but loud enough for me to hear. I jumped up on his leg, and croaked again. "No?" He smiled, and started to cry again. "You know, that's even worse."

Then he picked me up, walked to Harry. Everyone who stood around moved and gave Sasuke good space. He sat me down. And kissed Harry. On the lips. For a couple of seconds I really _hated_ that clone. Sasuke walked away. I guess he went home. I don't really know.

"You know, Naruto," A low whisper came from behind. It belonged to Shikamaru. Gaara was standing at his side. "if neither Tsunade, Sakura, Iruka or Kiba kill you, Sasuke definitely will. And then he'll rape you." Gaara came with a weird sound I suspect being laughter. Shikamaru smiled. "You should find yourself a bodyguard." I licked him in what I hope was a painful and angry way.

After a while Tsunade walked up to me, and picked me up. "Want to say bye to him?" She didn't really wait for an answer; she just put me on top of Harry's stomach.

Saying goodbye to him was… weird. Just like killing him was. In some ways, he was me, and it was weird to say goodbye to myself like that. And in other ways he was… Harry. Harry Uzumaki. My brother. And, yeah, I know it sounds stupid, but I'd gotten to know him. Sorta. Yeah, all he ever did was lying there and was dead, but, fuck, that was what I wanted him to do, too. There are not enough people who do exactly as I want. So I thought: "Shit, I'll miss him." And I _have _missed him. Every time I tell Sasuke, he smacks me in the back of my head and tells me I'm an idiot. It doesn't help. I still miss Harry.

So I did the only thing reasonable. I licked his lips. It was pretty cool, 'cause I was still sitting on his stomach while licking him. I had the longest, coolest tongue _ever_. I miss it too.

When I jumped off Harry, I could see Shikamaru raising an eyebrow. It annoyed me, so I licked his leg angrily again. That taught him!

And then that part of the funeral was over. Tsunade put a box of ramen (uncooked) in Harry's coffin, and since Sasuke had just walked away, Neji took his place to carry the dead body. People were crying all the way to the place where Harry would be buried. I sat on Tsunade's shoulder on the way down. She was wearing a big black dress, covering her cleavage. Really unfair.

When putting Harry down in the earth, two people broke down (one being Hinata, the other being Ino. Girls are such pussies.), and several were crying in a maniacal way. Tsunade too. Kakashi held Iruka in his hands. Iruka was crying and cursing and saying my name many times over and over again, and Kakashi just… looked goddamned sad. He wasn't touching any part he shouldn't on Iruka. Anko used her fireworks. It was a beautiful fucking show.

And it was all over, just like that. Shikamaru walked up to Tsunade, and (after she was done shouting at him) they planned to meet the next day, twelve o'clock.

I could count down the hours to doom.

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Author Notes: Yeah? Ok? Uhm. Tell me? Please? You pretty creatures… Muah!


	7. The Disturbing People I Know

Afterlife

Author Notes: Oh! I love you people! I have over 100 reviews! Actually, when I'm writing this, I have 121! Muah! And thank you for the froglick, Konahaku. I enjoyed that very much. Oh! Check out VanityWantsYou's new fic: "Just like Heroin" It's dedicated to me! I fucking love you, Vanity! Muah!

Warnings: This is _still_ boyxboy. And I'm _still_ Norwegian. So there will _still_ be weird-ass English, and some swearing. Yeah.

Disclaimer: I do _still_ not own Naruto.

Chapter 7: The slightly disturbing people I know (basically Tsunade)

(Soundtrack: Debaser – Pixies (Just 'cause it's a slightly disturbing song))

I might have mentioned before that it's a lot of parts of people you don't really see before they're crushed, like if a friend has just died. Now, there are a _lot _of parts of people you don't really see before they're angry, like if the friend they thought was dead wasn't really, just pretending. Do this dead guy remind you of someone? Yeah, that's right. Me. And the people with unknown parts... yeah. That's right. My friends and family. They can be really scary, some of them. Actually, most of them can. Being the poor guy who pulled the biggest prank, like, EVER (also known as pretending to be dead and get almost everyone (the almost part being because of Shikamaru and Gaara) to actually believe it, well, let me just say it like this: it wasn't easy.

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The morning started a bit like the day before. I woke up between Tsunade's big boobs (still as a frog), and tried to get a lick-in, but got smacked before I got there. The only real difference was the terrible feeling I had in my little weird frog-stomach. It felt a bit like the day I had my graduation as a ninja, just times ten. It was horrible. I didn't like it one bit.

Tsunade fed me some of those nasty insects again, while she was eating pancakes with blueberries, and for a moment I thought it would be all right to be a human, just so I could eat some real food again. Then I spotted the hole Tsunade had punched in the floor earlier (we ate in her office), and I thought maybe not. Maybe I should wait a bit with that.

Only that it wasn't up to me. It was up to Shikamaru and Gaara. Shikamaru had already made his choice, and Gaara really had no choice. He was the Kazekage, he couldn't _not_ say anything about this. Although he'd probably find it extremely amusing. Point was, Tsunade would find out today, if I wanted it or not. That made me feel like throwing up those nasty insects.

Tsunade stared at me for a couple of seconds, before she smiled. "We really must give you a name, don't we?" I didn't croak as an approval. Why should I? I only had some more couples of living anyway. "You don't think so?" Tsunade leaned over the table, and gave me a very good view of her cleavage. How she understood me, I don't know. There's so much I don't know about her. Ew. Do not think of dead people on tables, do not think of dead people on tables, do NOT think about dead people on tables… ew.

"Well, little one, I don't really care what you think, we can't just call you "frog" for the rest of your life, can we?" I didn't croak now either. "Heh, you're stubborn. I don't care. I'll call you…" She looked at the picture of me on her table and picked it up, and for a moment I thought she would name me after… me. But nah. "something stupid. Something he would have come up with. How about… Harry? It's ugly, stupid and totally out of nowhere. What do you think?"

I licked her very painfully. I mean, come on! It's a nice fucking name, all right? I think so. And I'm pretty fucking sure Harry thought so, too. And it would be very, very confusing if I were called Harry all of a sudden. There already was a Harry Uzumaki. Ok, he was dead, but in one way, so was I. At least they thought so.

She grinned. "No? Well, you're stuck with it now, _Harry_." She put pressure on the name, and grinned again. And the few happy hours I had left as a frog, I spent being teased by Tsunade. It was pretty nice, actually, if it hadn't been for two facts.

One, Tsunade's smiled looked really fake and plastered on. I think she tried to make a replacement for me. And she chose me. Isn't that ironic.

Two, I knew it would only last some hours. Sort of took away a lot of the joy.

And then Shikamaru came, and Gaara came with him. (1) Neither of them looked serious (Ok, Gaara looked serious, but not the I-will-get-killed-now type of serious), and I thought, fuck, they should be. 'Cause Tsunade will flip. And when she does… it's Mayhem.

They might have thought she would only flip on my fragile frog-body, but they didn't (and don't) know the old hag the same way I do. There _is _such a thing as shoot the messenger. No, wait. There is such a thing as bite off one of the messenger's head, while stabbing the other in the eyes with nails. Yes. That's more like it. That's more like her.

Gah, that woman scares me.

Tsunade had two chairs out, and like last time, I do not know when she got them there or where she got them from. She was frowning.

"So. What the fuck is so goddamned important about Naruto? What is it you know?" She wore a very scary face. Jiraiya told me she almost killed him once when she wore that face.

Gaara looked at Shikamaru, and nodded. And Shikamaru sighed.

"Naruto…" He looked at the old hag, and sighed again. "What would you say if he wasn't really dead?" Gaara moved his head a bit to the side, as if to gesture her to speak. He's never been all that much of a speaker.

"Stop fucking with me." Tsunade slammed her fist in the desk, and it broke into many little peaces. Luckily I got away in time. Gaara's sand protected me. Wanted me alive for my punishment. Or something like that. Anyway, I ended up in his lap. It was nice there. Tsunade was breathing heavily, and Shikamaru looked at Gaara.

"Hokage." I noticed raccoon-eyes had the same weird authority in his voice Tsunade had. Do you need that to become a Kage? 'Cause then I have something to work on. Gaara continued. "Do you think I, as the Kazekage, would lie about something like this? Naruto is dear to me too. I wouldn't lie about this. Listen to what Nara-san has to say."

The old hag's breath slowed down and she looked at Shikamaru. "Tell me."

And he did. He did. And he was right about all of it too. First he told her he found this out by my letter, and basically just by the fact that I killed myself. He said it didn't add up. That I wasn't a quitter. And that I would never fuck people off like that in my last living minutes. He said I most likely had a bad day, and felt like no one cared. And that I wanted to see whether or not people would mind it if I died. He said that he didn't know how I did it, but he suspected the body to be a clone.

"I think he wanted to check out peoples reactions." He finished his speech with a clear and steady voice, nothing like the bored voice he uses usually. All the time he had been speaking, Tsunade had sat entirely still, although I saw her twitch a couple of times. Now she looked up at Shikamaru.

"Do you know this, or are you guessing, Shikamaru?" He looked back, and told her he knew. Her roar could probably be heard in the entire village.

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HE WANTED TO CHECK OUT PEOPLES REACTIONS?" She kicked Shikamaru's chair, with him on it. He, and the chair, flew into the wall, where the chair broke into many, many peaces. "That GODDAMNED little SUNNOVABITCH! He is so dead! When I find him, he's so fucking DEAD! And there won't be any nice funeral for him this time, oh no, I'll fucking toss him into the sea, to get eaten by whatever lives there! Fuck! Where is he? Do you know?"

She pointed at Gaara, who actually had raised one of his not-existing eyebrows, just a thatch. Shikamaru groaned from his side of the room, and mumbled something I _think_ may have been: "Women…" Gaara nodded.

"Yes," he said, "I know where he is. But I won't have you killing him." He was using his authority-voice again, and held his head straight. Tsunade clenched her fists together. Her whole body was shaking. "I can't promise that, _Kazekage_." She spat out the last word as if it were poison. "He fucked us over so badly. When I see him, I will definitely try to put a fist right trough his body." Her knuckles were white.

Gaara nodded again. "All right. I'll be here so that won't happen, then." He looked at Shikamaru, who still lay on the floor, groaning and mumbling and cursing women. Then he looked at me, straight at me. "Prepare yourself, Naruto."

Tsunade got it by that. I didn't see more than half a second of her before Gaara had me covered in sand. And good was that. But I could still hear her. Shit, I don't know how many times I have to repeat myself on this one, but that woman is fucking _scary._ I won't say everything she yelled, but I have a few personal favourites I'd like to share. I'll even do it in top three-style. Ok, from the third best one, 'till my number one favourite, here comes:

3. "I'll snatch out your fucking eyes and use them as ear-rings, and when people ask what it is, I'll say it's your goddamned fucking soul!"

2. "I'll goddamned stuck a pipe up your ass and let loads of mice in it (my ass, through the pipe) so they'll have to fucking eat their way out!"

Aaaaand my personal favourite:

1. "I'll cut of all of your toes, put them up your ass and stitch it together again, you hear me?"

I mean, for fucks sake, where does she get that shit? Put my toes up my ass? Hell, makes me wonder what kind of guys the other people on her table was. What _they_ have learned her.

She rambled for another hour or so, and at the end I could hear her voice was weak and weird. When Gaara removed the sand I could see her sitting on the floor, crying. "Goddamn it, Naruto? Do you know how the last days have _been _for me? For Iruka? For _Sasuke_?" She looked up, her eyes all teary and wet, and I wondered for a second if people can go empty for tears. "It's been a hell, Naruto. It's been a hell."

I broke the frog-jutsu, which was really weird for me. All of a sudden I felt really tall, although I'm not really. I basically looked at my feet, though. "I know. I've been here. And… I… I'm so sorry." I looked up at her. "I don't know if it helps. It probably doesn't. But I really, _really_ am."

And I was. I didn't mean for people to act like they did, I didn't mean for people to confess their undying love, and I did not, by any means mean for people to get hurt as deep as some of them did. And then and there, looking at her shaking figure, her shaking, poor figure, I did what I didn't even do that horrible day when it all started. I cried. Not much, not hulking, not shouting, not repeating a name over and over again, and not swearing. I just let tears drop to the floor, and as I stood there, Tsunade was standing again. I thought she was going to hit me. She didn't. She hugged me. I will never understand her.

"Fuck Naruto, I'm so glad to see you again." She squeezed me really hard, so hard it hurt, but I figured the smartest thing to do would be not to tell her. I still have a sneaking feeling that was the best choice. She sniffled in my hair. "And it does help." Then she let me go.

"You know you'll have problems clearing this up, right? I'm not going to do it for you. I'll call people in to a meeting, but then you're on your own." She ruffled my hair. "Goddamned fucking idiot, you sure can prank." And she laughed. Can you believe it? She laughed. As if she hadn't just threatened to cut of my toes and stuck them up my arse. Crazy woman.

She picked up the phone, said exactly the same words she had the day she found me. And then she left. Shikamaru picked himself off the floor. "Crazy fucking woman. Good luck, Naruto," he mumbled, and went out the exact same way the old hag had. I was left with Gaara.

"Will you be ok?" he asked, with actual concern in his voice. "Do you need me here?" I tried to croak to get him to stay. It didn't turn out the same way I had planned. It came out as a weird cough, if I'm lucky with the person describing it. And since it's me describing it… well, I'm lucky. Gaara looked at me as though I was crazy. Or, he really just raised the same not-existing eyebrow he had raised earlier, but for Gaara, that _is _looking at someone as though they are crazy.

"Uhm…" I coughed for real this time, and tried to get used to not having the Oh-So-Comfy way of saying yes, also known as my croaking. "Yeah. It'd be nice if you were there. So I won't get, you know, killed."

He snorted (translation: he laughed), and nodded. Then we waited for people to arrive and try to kill me. They would have to manage without chairs this time. But really, that wouldn't be the thing on their mind right then.

And then they arrived. The same people who were at the first gathering, when Tsunade showed them Harry Uzumaki 1 (just so we won't get confused). And like last time, Sasuke was missing. I didn't have the time to get annoyed over it, 'cause so many things happened at once. Hinata fainted again, together with Iruka and (HAH) Kiba. Gai and Lee both started to shout: "Ghost, ghost!" as loud as they could (they can shout pretty damned loud), and Sakura was screaming her lungs out, the most girly annoying scream I've ever heard in my entire life. Other people were just basically shouting and screaming. Neji seemed to get it though, together with some of the Jounins. He narrowed his eyes at me, and, without looking; I knew Gaara was doing the same thing back at Neji.

"Uhm… Hi?" Although it's probably one of the shortest sentences I've ever said, it did miracles. It shut every mouth up, and got everyones attention, with an exception of the fainted people, of course. This meant that I had to say something more. Fucketyfuck.

"Uhm. I… fooled ya?" Everyone's eyes were staring at me now, including Hinata's (she had woken up). "I… ehm. Not really dead. Yeah. And… Uhm. I… think… Shikamaru would tell this better than me." I finished pretty lamely. And then I got hit in the eye. The punch belonged to, yeah, you probably guessed it, Sakura.

"That… that… that wasn't fucking… GODAMNED COCKSUCKER! How could you? Do you know HOW fucking… argh!" She hit me again, harder this time, and rushed at me to hit me once more, but Gaara stopped her.

And then I told them, the short version. Lee and Gai were crying again, but smiling at the same time. I won't ever really get them. But I think that was the nicest of the reactions. Or, Hinata fainted again, but I'm not too sure if I should count that as good. Most of the people (basically everyone but Chouji, Kakashi, Lee, Gai and Asuma) were glaring at me, and Gaara had to hold a couple of them back with his sand. I wish I had had handy sand like that.

The worst of them all, though, was Kakashi. Oh, God, the way he looked at me. It was worse than a disappointed-parent-look. Not that I'd really know very much about those looks, since I've lived most of my life unaware that I have one. But anyway. It was a disappointed-friend-look. It sucked, and made me turn my head away from everyone there. I could feel the tears pushing again.

"I… I just felt so alone… and I'm so sorry. I shouldn't… I wasn't… I didn't mean to… you know." Fantastic. It's the: let's-not-finish-our-sentences-apology. The thing is, it worked. Most of the people dropped their glares, and many of them actually looked… sorry. Them. Sorry. All I could think was: woah.

Then Kakashi spoke. "I think… I think the people who stayed that day… should stay now, too. And the others… I'm sorry, but this is kind of sensitive." He looked around, and most of the people nodded. The people left were almost the same as last time. Iruka, Hinata and Kiba (all three laying on the floor, knocked out), Neji (still glaring at me, but in a… softer way, of some sorts), Sakura (who was held back by Kakashi), Kakashi (who was holding back Sakura), Jiraiya (He was looking very… indifferent, really, the fucker), Gaara (standing there like the best bodyguard ever) and me.

"So," Kakashi said, "let's find out how to deal with this."

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(1) Ok, is it just me who thinks that sentence turned out incredibly perverted?

Author Notes: Hoho! A little Norwegian somethin' to a friend of mine: "Skoene mine er så pene, jeg har dem nederst på benet. Helt nede ved roten på det de voksne kaller foten. De er som de skal være, og det glinser veldig vakkert i overlæret. På bena har man sko. Ja, jeg har faktisk to!" – this text belongs to Bare Egil Band. Yay. Soeh, to all you English-speaking people. What do you think? Good? Bad? Please do continue to review so prettily as you have. Sasuke will be arriving in the chappie after next chappie. I thought he should have a whole chapter for himself. Tell me if this annoys you too much. Muah from xaayp.


	8. The Letting People REALLY Know

Afterlife

Author Notes: Ok, so I'm not really feeling all writingly-thingie right now, so you'll just bear with it being... blæ. Yeah. And… that's about it. Mhm.

Warnings: Boyxboy, some swearing and probably some weird-ass English.

Disclaimer: Do not own Naruto.

Chapter 8: The Letting People _Really_ Know

(Soundtrack: Oh My God – Ida Maria)

I'd been a nice fella, before the Harry-thing. Really, I had. Beside from some pranks (_brilliant_ pranks, may I add), I never did any mean stuff, I never fucked people over, I stood by the side of the people close to me, I didn't lie, I didn't steal, I didn't cheat on anyone (this maybe because I didn't _have _anyone to cheat on, but still, I didn't) and I didn't ever, ever, hurt people intentionally. Never. I was a good guy. And though the whole letting-people-think-I-was-dead-thing really was pretty fucked up, I didn't hurt the people intentionally there either. So, since I had been such a good guy, it should be ok that I fucked up _once_, shouldn't it? I think so.

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When sitting on the old hag's chair and looking at my friends and family, I felt a bit... threatened. Sakura were held back by both Kakashi and Neji, so she wouldn't kill me, and Kiba (who had woken up) was smashed into a wall with basically... _all_ of Gaara's sand, screaming and cursing and telling me how he would kill me the _second_ he was let down. It was pretty uncomfortable, but since Gaara was at my side, it wasn't that frightening. It just… wasn't very nice.

But then again, why should it be? I _had_ fucked them all over, they _were _pretty pissed, and they_ had_ a reason to. I was very glad that Iruka was still lying on the floor. Hinata had woken up again, though. She was crying. That wasn't very nice either.

"So…" Kakashi spoke slowly, looking straight at me. "You're not dead." That was stating the obvious.

"Uhm. No. I'm not. You… probably want me to tell you why and how I did this, huh?" I said, as low as I could. People around nodded, except Kiba (he was screaming that he didn't need any fucking explanation, he just wanted to see me dead again), Sakura (she was screaming "Yes, you motherfucker!" as loud as possible), Iruka (who was still lying on the floor, thank God), and Gaara (who had heard it all before).

I told them how the last couple of days had been, from my point of view, what I had thought when I decided to do what I did, how I in _no_ way had thought they would react like they did, my feelings when I realised they all really did care about me, and Sasuke. I talked a lot about Sasuke. I don't know why, really. I just did. It wasn't like I'd planned it.

I talked about his one tear when seeing Harry for the first time, his indifference later on, him calling me ugly, how I noticed the different walk on him at the funeral, his speech and what I thought about it, him talking to me as a frog later, and Shikamaru's wonderful remark about him raping me. And then all of a sudden I understood I was talking fucking much about Sasuke, so I stopped in the middle of a sentence ("And I mean, everyone knows Sasuke would never…").

"Uhm. I'm just talking about Sasuke now. I wasn't… uhm… planning on that." I coughed. "But I have pretty much said everything else too." I coughed again, and after that it was completely silent. Everyone was looking at me. Kiba wasn't screaming or trying to get away from Gaara's sand anymore. Actually, he was gaping at me. Kakashi looked amused.

I realised I missed licking and croaking. I would have gotten away from the awkward silence if I could just lick someone or croak. So I broke the silence with that.

"I miss croaking and licking."

"You're in love with him too!"

_Not_ what I was expecting, and _totally_ out of the blue.

Sakura was standing now (Kakashi and Neji had let her go in the beginning of my… speechy-thingie). "You… bloody…" she was walking towards me, and Gaara moved some of the sand holding Kiba nearer her. "That is so romantic!" Sakura squealed and tossed herself around my neck. "Now, don't get me wrong. I'm am still _pissed_ off at you." Then she squealed again, and sat down on the floor.

What the fuck? I'm still thinking it, what the fuck? I mean, come on! I love girls, I really do, but I am _so_ glad I didn't end up with one. They are so complicated. First she tells me to go die. When I do, she cries her heart out. She's in love with Sasuke, but thinks it's _great_ that I'm in love with him. Something, I by the way, refused then.

"I'm not in love with Sasuke. He's in love with me." Kiba and Neji both snorted at the same time. "Yeah, right, you're not" Kiba said, with a smirk on his face. "Faggot." I didn't exactly know what a "faggot" was, but Kiba grinned at me, and I understood it wasn't an insult. It was more of a… cosy, tease-thing between friends. Yeah. Right.

It was silent for another couple of seconds, before they all got that I had _still_ fucked them over. Or, Neji got it. Smart boy. Almost as smart as Shikamaru, who's almost as smart as me.

"Sasuke put aside. I want to know how we deal with this."

"I say, he speaks to everyone here alone. And apologize prettily. For starters." Everyone looked at Jiraiya (the man who said the words) like they had totally forgotten he was there. Something they probably had. He hadn't said very much, or been very visible. But they agreed. They thought it was a good idea. And I thought, "shit"!

"Why don't we start with me, hmm?" Jiraiya smiled, and shushed people out of the room. Crazy pervert.

"You knew all along, didn't you?"

He smiled at me, and all of a sudden, there was another chair there. I wonder if Orochimaru can do that too. That would be cool.

"No. Not all along. I found out when Shikamaru had his speech. Like Gaara did." He started to rinse his nails, while still looking at me, and I wondered what the fuck he was doing there if he didn't want an apology, something he obviously didn't. We looked at each other for another couple of seconds before he grinned again.

"So, you like cock, huh?"

It took me exactly seven seconds to get him out.

The next person for me to apologize to was Hinata. She was crying through the whole thing, and when I was done saying sorry she whimpered out: "Was it my fault?" That sort of broke my heart a little bit. I mean, if there was anyone who definitely didn't cause it all to happen, it would be Hinata. Always sweet and cute, and never saying anything bad.

"No! No! In no way! Is… uhm. Is that why you've been crying?" She nodded, and I felt rotten. "No, it's not your fault. It's mine, and I really, really am sorry." She nodded again, and dried her tears away.

"G…g…good luck with Sa…Sasuke-kun," she said and slipped out of Tsunade's office.

"I'm not in love with him!" I shouted at her, but I don't think she caught it. Doesn't really matter, though.

Neji walked inside, with pretty much… no expression on his face. He sat down, and with him not saying anything, he made things very uncomfortable for me. He just… sat there. Looking at me. Not smiling. Not glaring. Not moving. And we sat like that for five minutes or so, before I opened my mouth to apologize. I didn't get the time, though, 'cause he stood up and spoke to me.

"I forgive you. Don't do stuff like that again." And then he left. Why he sat there for so long, I don't really know, but I think it was just to… torment me. Punish me. He acts like he's one of the good guys, but I really think he has some evil stuff inside him. Anyway.

I pretty much knew Kiba would be the next one, so I pulled out all of Tsunade's kunais and shurikens, to be ready. But believe it or not, he was _grinning _when he walked in. Not growling, not glaring, _grinning._ Weird-ass motherfucker.

"So. How's the gaylord doin'? Still want to let Sasuke up your ass?" he asked, while laughing. It did not please me.

"I am NOT in love with him!" He laughed, and "yeah, right"ed me again.

"That's so funny. Now I _know _why you've always been such a pussy. You're a fairy!" He laughed again, and I growled at him. It felt weird, me growling at him, not the other way around.

"I've seen you cry, so shut the fuck up." That did shut him the fuck up. He looked at me, his face serious.

"You never talk about it again, none of the things including me those days, and I won't bring up what you did ever again either." I nodded. Then he cracked another grin. "Except the wanting dick thing. That I'll bring up again and again." He laughed again, punched my shoulder and left the room, while I was shouting at him that I, in _no_ way, was in love with Sasuke. I heard another "yeah right" from him when he was walking down the corridor, so I stood up, went to the door, made a point and slammed it. In his face. Yeah.

I made a note, for the next person to see, so I wouldn't have to do the "I'm not in love with Sasuke!"-thing again. I was sorta tired of it, even though it had only been said a couple of times. Still annoying like shit. So I made a pretty sign were it stood: "I am not in love with Sasuke. He's in love with me. Get it straight, goddamn it! (1)" And at the end there was a cute little angry frog-face I had drawn on. Actually I was drawing it on when Kakashi stepped in.

"Hi." His voice was really serious and deep and shit, and I thought: fuck. He looked at me for a couple of seconds. Then he sat down and spoke again. "I'm not going to give you the hardest time. I know you'll have a hell with both Iruka and Sasuke. But that, Naruto… that was a shitty thing to do. Iruka… I've never seen him like that before. And I'm not intending to do so again, either." His look was hard, and I felt like sinking deep into my chair. What did he mean by not giving me the hardest time?

"You have to think about other people before you do things like that, Naruto." He stood up and smiled with his eye. "But I forgive you." He leaned towards me, and his eye was turned totally upside down, something you think can only happen in comics. Well, Kakashi's special. You never know what Kakashi can do. Maybe he can do the chair-thing too. I'll have to ask about that.

"Do you want some tips on sex with guys?"

I used six seconds getting him out, while screaming: "Read the sign, punk! (2)"

I hanged it (the sign) outside my door, and let Sakura in.

"So. Iruka's last, then," I said, with a hint of… something in my voice. I don't know what it's called, but it's like… when you're not pleased with something, but you know it's justified… yeah. Like that.

She nodded. "Yeah, he is. He woke up right before Kakashi came in here. Hasn't said anything, just stares in the wall. The only time he moved was when he slapped Kakashi's hand away right after he woke up." She looked at me, and used that very annoying look Kakashi had given me earlier. "He really cares about you, Naruto."

"I know."

Then we sat in silence for a while. It's really weird how many times I sat in silence that day. That was a lot of times, really. Just… sitting in silence. I'm _not_ a typical guy who just sits in silence. Nu-uh. Not me. 'Cause when everything is silent you sort of have to think, and that often leads to confusion, and frankly, I don't like either confusion or thinking. I think I might have said so earlier.

"You… you made it like everything was my fault," Sakura opened with, looking at me. "I felt like shit, Naruto. The thing is, I'm used to saying stuff like that. And I didn't know it hurt you. So when one day, all of a sudden, boom! I don't know, I start thinking: did this hurt him _every time_ I said stuff like that? Have I been dragging him down day for day?" She looked down at her feet. "It's not a cool thought to go around with, Naruto. And… I'll have real problems trusting you again."

"I know. But…" She looked up in my eyes when I spoke. "But you shouldn't have said stuff like that. I know, I'm the one supposed to apologize, and I will, because I really _am_ sorry, but… I did do it for a reason. It wasn't 'cause I felt great."

We had another of those uncomfortable silences, until she spoke again. "Well… Let's… let's just say we've hurt each other enough. Both of us." There were tears in her eyes, but she didn't let them out. She stood up, with a weird smile on her face. You know, one of those smiles you have there just so it'll seem like you're not mad or sad. But it was ok. At least she didn't hit me again.

"And Naruto…" she said when she stood at the door, pointing at the sign. "Yeah, you are." And then she squealed that girly squeal of hers and ran.

And the only one left was Iruka. My dad, of some sorts. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it.

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(1) Heeeeh… Get it straight. Heheeeh…. (Yeah, I'm _really_ tired while writing this.)

(2) For those who've heard that sentence: Hoho! For those who hasn't… uhm. Yeah.

Author Notes: Yeah, so that's about it on this chappie. I thought about it again, and I think Iruka and Sasuke could share a chapter. And I'm sick and tired of typing on this chappie. Chappie number eight. This is sort of… I dunno. Anyway, I don't have just a crush anymore. I've fallen. Hard. Ouch. Ah, well, please do review and tell me what's wrong and what's right.


	9. The Closest

Afterlife

Author Notes: Uhm. I'm sorry it's so late. I had real problems writing this chappie. Or rather, I had real problems starting. Have had soooo much to do lately, it's crazy. Ugh. And I've had the smallest writers-block-thing. Anyway. Here it is.

Warnings: Boyxboy, some swearing and probably some weird-ass English.

Disclaimer: I still don't own Naruto.

Chapter 9: The Closest

(Soundtrack: Hurt – Johnny Cash)

I have two people who are extremely important to me. The first one is Iruka. He was the first person ever to smile at me. It sounds like a stupid reason to love a person, but it's not. Not really. And over the years, he has grown to be like a father to me. Actually, he _is_ my dad, just not biologically. The other person is Sasuke, and he was important to me even before we… you know. This is how it's been for as long as I can remember. So the thought of losing them… that was sucky.

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Iruka was all quiet when he walked in to the old hag's office, and he was looking at nothing and everything. You know how that is, right? When your eyes are scanning the room, but you can't focus anything of what they see. Iruka was looking like that. It scared me.

Then he finally got his vision fixed at some papers lying at Tsunade's desk, and sat down. He kept looking at the papers, and I wondered if he even was aware of me. I realized yet again how good the croaking was to keep awkward moments away. I coughed instead. Iruka looked up.

"You… lied to me." He didn't say anything else; he just sat there, with a blank, empty look on his face. I didn't know what to say. It was so crushing. Most of you people have regular parents, so you'll know how it is; when you do something bad, and the parent doesn't really say anything, you just feel their disappointment. Now, the thing was new to me, not just 'cause I didn't have a "real" parent, but also 'cause Iruka had never given me that treatment before. I felt like shit, again. How many times had I felt like shit in the last days? I don't have the numbers, but it's a lot more than I had the rest of my life.

Although Iruka's face still stayed without feeling, tears started to fall from his eyes. He spoke again. "I can't… I can't believe you did that." He looked down again, and since he was sitting so close to the desk, his tears dropped down on the papers. I noticed they were the plans for my funeral. Great. Just perfect. Fit extremely well with the situation.

…

If you didn't get it, I was being sarcastic. I don't know if I'm very good at it. Sasuke says I suck at it, that I always overdo it, so anyone gets the point way too early. But with him it's even harder, 'cause I never really get when he means it and when he doesn't. Whatever.

So there we sat, Iruka and me, and once again there was complete silence. Iruka's tears didn't make any noise, they just fell silently down. There was simply one thing going through my head: "I've fucked over my dad." And that was it. But I thought it in different levels. At first it was "I've fucked over my dad" with guiltiness. Then it was "I've fucked over my dad" with an extreme sadness. Then with anger. The fourth time, thought, I panicked. Like… panicked.

I had fucked over my _dad_. With pressure on the word "dad". What if he didn't want to be my dad anymore? I had just gotten one; I didn't want to lose him already.

When I think about it now, it's sorta weird I didn't think over my extremely well strategic chosen words. Fucked over dad. I fucked over my dad. Heh.

Ew.

I fucking_ hate _Jiraiya and Kakashi for turning me into this.

Anyway, as the panic rose in my body, I stood up and walked up to Iruka. He raised his head, and was trembling now. I didn't like it. He was biting his lip hard, and I was afraid it would start bleeding. It didn't though.

I gave him a hug. No more, no less. I am a bit ashamed to say that I started to cry again. And not like earlier, this time I was hulking and sobbing into Iruka's shoulder, and he was hulking and sobbing into mine. We sat like that for a long time. Then he shook his head and looked at me. I was still crying. I'm such a pansy.

"I'm so sorry," I sniffed. "Those things I said… I lied, Iruka. I just… And I'm so sorry for… Please. Don't…" I swallowed down a sob. "Please don't leave me." He looked at me for the longest time; his eyebrows knitted together, and gave no sign of answering me. I tried again. "Please forgive me. Dad."

That got a response. He widened his eyes, and looked straightly into my eyes. And for the first time that day it seemed like he actually was there. Earlier on it just seemed like he was floating through everything. Like a ghost. He closed his eyes, and for a couple of seconds I was sure he was going to leave me there, never to talk to me again. When he opened them again, though, I understood that wasn't the case. He did leave me there, but I knew he would still stay, well, my dad. He just needed time. He didn't say anything on the way out, but I noticed him looking at the sign I made earlier on, with the smallest smile on his lips.

He'd forgive me sometime. We'd be ok again. And for a couple of seconds I forgot Sasuke. I was so relieved. I just sat there in Tsunade's office, trying to look at my tongue (which I sort of managed, but not as good as I would have as a frog), and to find a way I as a human could croak. It was a failure, but it gave me something to do, and was relaxing. Made me forget the last part person. Until Tsunade came in.

"Fancy sign you have there, Naruto. Nice little drawing too." She grinned at me. "Too bad the message is totally bullshit." I pouted at her, and added a very mature "so not". I can be pretty mature too, you know, on top of all the other cool things I am.

"So, why are you still here?" Tsunade sat down at her chair (I had just sat down on the one Jiraiya managed to get out of nowhere). "Are you done?" I nodded. "With everyone?" I nodded again. "Iruka?" Once again I nodded, slightly annoyed. I said yes the first time didn't I?

"Sasuke too?" I froze. Shit! Sasuke. I had forgot Sasuke. The guy who loved me in every way. Fuck.

"You've forgotten Sasuke, eh?" I didn't answer her, but I guess she got it, 'cause she smiled into her boobs. "And you thought you were done. Heh." She looked serious again, and actually stood up to push me out of the room. At the door she took down the sign. "It'd be bad if Sasuke saw this, hmm? I'll keep it and show it to him after you get together." And she closed the door in my face, while I was screaming as loud as I could that I was NOT in love with Sasuke. It didn't really help; I heard her snigger from the other side of the room.

I decided I needed something to eat before the definite doom. It was weird I even lived through the last hours. Anyway, I headed towards Ichiraku's, thinking I could apologize to them too. I _did_ actually see the chef drop a tear or two in my funeral, and his daughter cried like shit. Then again, all girls cry like shit once in a while, so I won't read too much in it. But, whatever they both came, and they'd probably lose a whole lot of money if I stopped coming (translation: died. I mean, as long as I live nothing can keep me away from Ichiraku's), so they must have been a bit worried. And I don't want to keep the people who give me ramen worried.

On the way to Ichiraku's I understood I was singing, which gave me a bit hope. When I sing, I'm happy, and the other way around. I wasn't really singing on a very happy song. Actually, I was singing to one of the saddest I know (1), but it didn't really matter. So I was walking down the street and singing a sad story in a happy way, and felt pretty much ok, really. It was nice, and as I walked up to Ichiraku's I sang the last tones of the song very loud and beautiful. Very beautiful. And _very_ loud.

And then it went to hell. I mean, of course. _Duh._ It had to. Sasuke jumped out of the ramen stand, with his mouth full of ramen. I know it's mean to say it, but his reaction was pretty damn funny. He swallowed all of the ramen at once (there was a looooot of ramen), so it stuck in his throat, and he started to cough manically. It's not often you see Sasuke like that, and I really wanted to laugh, but I knew it was probably the wrong time to do that. It was the wrong time to do that.

He kept on coughing, and I sorta got I had to do something. So I went up to him to smack him in the back, you know, like they always do with Lee or me when we get something stuck in our throats. Inside of me I thought about how mean fate was. I mean, I could have gotten something to eat, for fucks sake.

Anyway, when I was close enough to smack his back, he was done coughing, and he stood in several seconds and looked at me. Then he just turned around. And walked away. No, wait. He tried to walk away. There was no chance in hell I'd let him, though, not now.

"Oi! Sasuke! Stop!" He stopped, and turned towards me. He was shaking and looking right at me.

"You know," he said, pretty low, but still frightening as hell. "You sound just like him. Look just like him too. It's a good henge. But if you don't drop it in about three seconds…" He took a pause, and closed his eyes. When he opened them they were red. "I'll fucking kill you."

I didn't know what to do. I mean, what the fuck should I do? Here I was, in front of the guy who _loved_ me and thought I was dead, and he thought I was someone else and threatened to kill me. What the fuck?

"Uhm…" I started, while taking a step back. "You don't need to be so hostile. Bastard." I said the last thing pretty shaky, and I don't think it insulted him at all. But it doesn't really matter. I said it mostly so he would recognise me. There really isn't anyone but me who calls him a bastard up to his face like that. There are loads of people who say stuff like that _behind_ his back, but I'm not intending to go into whom. If I do, and Sasuke so happens to read this shit, I'll kill some of my friends. And that's a stupid thing to do.

"What did you call me?" Sasuke took a step forward, and his muscles across the chest tensed. I had never really noticed his muscles before. He has pretty good-looking muscles. Not as good-looking as mine, though. Duh.

"There's only one person who's allowed to call me that," he hissed out, and grabbed my sweater, and dragged me towards him, so my face was very, very close his. "and he's fucking dead. Now piss off. Or I will, seriously, kill you."

Now honestly, what would you've done in this situation? I feel pretty smart for even getting myself out of that one. Actually, I hade three alternatives, and I came up with all then and there. Smart little me.

One, run like hell and take it later. Two, kiss him and see if he'll drop me and then take the talk-thing with him. Three, tell him something only I would know about him.

Now, if I had chosen the first alternative, he would have killed me later on anyway, 'cause it would piss him off so badly. I wasn't too keen on kissing him, really, and I don't really know if he would have liked it either. Maybe he would have killed me on the spot for touching him before I would have gotten the chance to tell him who I really was. So I chose the last alternative.

"Hey Sasuke," I said with a pretty shaking voice. "Do you, like, remember that time I got ramen stuck in my throat like you got it now?" Sasuke loosened his grip, and I knew I'd chosen the right thing. He still looked sceptical, though, so I continued. "And you had to go for help, 'cause I wouldn't stop coughing? And then when you came back I had eaten all the ramen, both yours and mine? You remember that? Remember what you said, Sasuke?"

Sasuke dropped me now, and I fell on the ground. "I… I called you an idiot. And told you that you cold have just asked." His eyes were back to their normal colour, and they were wide.

"Yeah," I continued, "that's what you said. And then you bought me another bowl." I stood up, and brushed off the dirt on my pants. "See, I know it probably doesn't do this situation any better. But it is me."

And that's all I remember from that day.

I woke up next day in a bed. Sasuke was sitting on a chair on my right side. He looked pissed.

"I've spoken to Hokage-sama," he said, and turned his head towards me. "You fucking idiot." His voice was all weird and shaky, just 'cause he was so angry. "I've always known you're stupid, but this, Naruto… Fuck." I don't really know what it was, but I didn't, like, feel bad. I didn't feel as guilty as I had felt so many times before the last days. I got pissed. Stupid? My plan? Fuck, no! It was extremely well done, and very fucking smart of me to come up with it,

"I'll let you know it was a genius fucking plan, bastard! And I was fucking smart for coming up with it! So there!" I was pointing at him manically, waving with my other hand. "You're the one who's stupid!"

Sasuke sneered. "Shut up, Naruto. If you don't want to make this situation worse for yourself, then _shut up_." He looked out of the window again, and I shut up, but not without showing him how little I liked the whole situation. I crossed my hands over my chest and pouted.

"Fine." I looked the other way, and started to think. Why the hell didn't I remember anything after the choking-on-ramen-talk? "Can I ask you a question? Or isn't that allowed?"

I turned towards me, with a sour look on his face. He didn't answer, so I asked anyway. "How did I get here? What happened after the whole… you know."

"I knocked you out," he said, as if it was the most obvious thing ever. It wasn't really. I don't think so. And I certainly didn't think so then.

"You WHAT?" I yelled at him, waving both of my hands this time, to get more effect. "You knocked me out? What the fuck, Sasuke?" He didn't answer, he just stood up and walked up to the window. "Hello? Sasuke!"

"I was pissed. You deserved it. Now shut up."

I did, once again, but this time without any buzz. None of us moved for a pretty long while, and just like last time, it bored me to death. I mean, come on! How many times must a man be in silence? I can't understand people like Sasuke, Gaara and Neji. They must all live boring lives. Or, Sasuke doesn't live a boring life, but that's just 'cause… uhm. Yeah. Moving on to the story now.

'Cause at one point I remembered the Sasuke-loving-me-thing. And I knew we would have to take it at some point. My stomach growled, and I decided I would take it as soon as possible, so I could eat something as soon as possible.

"Sasuke?" He turned towards me when I said his name, and I could see on his face that he knew exactly what I was going to take up with him. "When were you, like, going to tell me that you love me?" He sighed, and sat down again.

"I wasn't." He looked out of the window again. "You're such a little shit, Naruto. One thing is letting me think you were dead. God, that's one thing. But tricking me into saying what I feel…" He looked at me now, and his eyes were watery. If that's a word. "It will never be the same again, Naruto. We can't ever be real friends again. You will be afraid of me, and think about how weird it is, and hate it, and after some time… you'll hate me too, Naruto. You fucking asshole."

He stood up, and walked to the door. He was going to end our friendship. Just like that. No chance in hell. "Oi! Sasuke! Stop!" I repeated the same sentence as I had used earlier, 'cause I knew it would get him to stop. He did, and turned around. There was a single tear running down his chin, just like that one day when he first saw Harry. "Never thought of listening to how I feel, huh?" I pushed myself off the bed, and realised I had nothing but boxers on. I grinned on the inside, that could come to use. "What if I don't mind, Sasuke? What if I think it's ok? How 'bout that? Never thought about that, huh?"

He chuckled, but not in a nice way. It sounded bitter. "You can't say that, Naruto. It'll freak you out sooner or later. I know. So shut up and stop being an idiot." He turned to leave again, but I grabbed his arm. He was the one who acted like an idiot. I told him.

"You're the one acting like an idiot, Sasuke. How can you know, huh? How can you know I'll hate you? You can't, fucker." I chuckled too, but my chuckle was actually happy. I had him. He was pissed, yeah, but he was more scared. He was scared of losing me. He wouldn't. I wouldn't let him. And it'd be all right. I hugged him.

"Listen, Sasuke," I said. "I'm not gonna go all mushy on you, but just think a bit, will you? I won't lose my best friend just 'cause he wants to get into my pants." I grinned up against him, and he hugged me back, without remarking my stupid comment. Everything would be ok like fuck. It felt great. I grinned again, and pushed myself way too close to him.

"Oh, Sasuke!" I said dramatically. "I'm so cold. Would you warm me, please?" I looked up at him (the bastard really is a bit taller than me, although it's just a tiny bit), and made my eyes as big as possible. "Feel, Sasuke," I said, grabbed his arm and ran it across my side. "You feel how cold I am. That's 'cause I'm almost naked, Sasuke. I'm almost naked. Can you feel how cold my skin is?"

He pushed me as hard as he could away from himself, which was pretty hard, but I had prepared for it. I grinned like fuck, and he was blushing like fuck. "What, Sasuke," I said, and was laughing openly now. "Don't you want to warm me?"

Sasuke tossed some stuff at me, and I understood it was something I could wear. It was black, and had the Uchiha-symol on the back. I decided I wasn't done with my witty little joke-thing. "But, Sasuke," I pouted. "I can't wear this. It's so… Uchiha. And I can't have something so Uchiha on my body. Unless it's you, of course." I tried to look as innocent as possible, but I'm not too sure if I made it. "Sasuke?"

The look on his face, people, the look on his face. He was so red; I think it would have matched Sakura's dress. He just turned and left. It was hilarious. "Sasuke?" I shouted after him, just to make it even more embarrassing for him, and funnier for me. "Sasuke, I need some clothes! I can't walk around naked, can I? Or do you want me to?"

He opened the door again, and though the blushing had calmed down a bit, but he was still redder than usually. "Listen, Naruto. If you don't stop that shit, I'll rape you. You don't want that. Now shut the fuck up." And then he slammed the door shut again. I did shut the fuck up. For then.

I would have loads of fun with Sasuke the next couple of days. I discovered that having someone who wants you badly is fun. Especially when it's Sasuke. Of course, back then, I still didn't really know that I wanted him back, but it would probably not matter anyway. A flustered Sasuke is always funny, whether I want him or not.

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(1)The song is, if you didn't get it from the soundtrack-thing. Hurt when Johnny Cash sings it. I love that song. And I _know_ it's a cover, but it doesn't matter, 'cause he sings it way better than anyone else. So, yeah.

Author Notes: Uhm. Yeah. I think next chappie's gonna be the last. And then maybe an epilogue. Yeah. I think that's how I'm gonna do it. Aaaaaaand… what do you think? Ok? Good? Bad? Really sucky? Sweet? Too soon? I dunno, I'm sorta not sure how this turned out. Sasuke is fucking _hard_ to keep in character. I don't know if I managed it. Did I? Argh. Yeah, yeah, 'till next time. Kisses from xaayp (that's me).


	10. The Living Dead

Afterlife

Afterlife

Author Notes: Hahah… What do I say? I say… I don't really know what to say. I suck, I'm lazy, and oh, my god, it's been a year. I know you probably don't really care about this story anymore, but, hey. Turns out I do. So yeah.

I finally did it, Vanity! Happy smappy birthday for exactly one month ago.

Warnings: boyxboy, swearing, and some weird-ass English.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

Chapter 10: The living dead

(Soundtrack: I'm too sexy - Right Said Fred)

I'm a sexy guy. I really am. It sounds really up stuck when I say it like that, but it really is true. Seriously. I'm blond, and have a great smile, beautiful tanned skin and a sexy hot body. I understand it if people want me. I understand it when Sasuke wants me. I mean, come on. I'm every girl's wet dream. Or guy's. Whatever. The point is, Sasuke wanting me is understandable. I understand him. Yeah.

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The next couple of days were weird. One thing was the villagers screaming at me when I walked down the street ("Demons never die!", " He's come back to destroy us!" and my personal favourite: "Fucking hell! We just can't get rid of him, can we?"), but the thing that really was weird was my friends. They had all, in some way, forgiven me, but forgiving is not forgetting and forgetting is not forgiving, so it was weird.

But not necessarily a bad weird. After all that shit, everyone was very careful not to hurt each other, and I was _very_ careful not to hurt anyone, and it was kinda nice. Everyone was nice to each other. Laughs and smiles and crappy jokes and, in Sakura's case, a wee little bit touching (1). As in physical touching. Just a hand on an arm or some ruffling of some hair, but nice.

Everything was strangely nice. Which really makes me wonder how big of a genius I really am. I found a great way of getting people to be nice to each other. All it needed was a dead clone named Harry.

If you put my strangely nice friends aside, there was a strangely quiet dad-like-figure who acted really weird. He's never been the big talker, you know, not one of those who talk way too much and way too loud as if he's the centre of the room when everybody knows the centre is me, but still, when he took me out for ramen the third day after I stopped being Harry Uzumaki 2 (the frog), the only words he said for the first thirty minutes was "yeah", "ok" and "mm". I'm not even sure if the last word is an actual word.

The taste of ramen had never been better. Kiba says that after eating nasty bugs, everything would taste of heaven, and that might be, but nothing but ramen would taste like God himself.

That sounded awfully perverted.

Anyway.

I tried the best I could to talk normally with Iruka. It went to hell.

"So, I'm thinking, if I could make clones like that again, it'd be super-cool! I mean, Harry Uzumaki 3 would probably be as strong as me! How 'bout that?" Iruka nodded, and tried to smile, but it really just turned out as a grimace. It gave me the strangest desire to lick him, so it'd be ok again.

So I did. I turned towards him and licked him on the arm. Iruka looked really confused.

"Being a frog for a while really gets to you," I said, with a grin on my face. It's true, though. Seriously. I still want to lick people. Especially when they're sad. Or if I'm angry with them. Sasuke abuses this a lot.

Iruka broke into a smile. A real smile. And then he started laughing. Not for a long time, or very loud, but he laughed. It made me feel good.

"Naruto, you are the weirdest son I've ever had."

I played shocked. "Am I not the only one?"

He laughed again, and I grinned again. And we ate ramen. I pushed him on the Kakashi-thing, and he pushed me on the Sasuke, and I pulled out my really cool and informative sign (the one I made when I apologized to people), and hanged it around my neck. I had fastened it to a thread the day before, when Kiba wouldn't stop bothering me.

Iruka and me had a fairly good time. Awkward of course, but I didn't expect it to be otherwise. And when we said goodbye to each other, Iruka gave me a hug. And from Iruka, that means something.

So when I went home that day, I was singing again. On another one of those songs everyone knows, half of the population hates and the other loves. I was singing I'm Too Sexy. Because, really, I am. And on the way I started dancing too. Like, really dancing. In an I'm Too Sexy way. Because, _really_, I am.

As I was dancing and singing and stripping and jumping down the street, I couldn't really notice anything around me. A sexy man does not need to notice, as long as he's noticed. I live by that. While I was at the "New York and Japaaaaan!"-part, I danced right into someone.

"Would you stop that, idiot?" And of course it had to be him. That's just the way it is. I swear, I think he was stalking me.

I think he still is.

Anyway. He smirked at me, that annoying "I'm-better-than-you"-smirk (not the other one), and put his hands in his pockets. "You're scaring the villagers." And I was. They were all looking at me as if I had a demon sealed inside of me or something. Which I have. But, whatever. That's not really the point.

"Shut up, bastard! I sing very prettily, for your information!"

"Prettily?"

He raised an eyebrow at me. I tried to kick his leg. He just simply moved it, and I fell. Bastard.

And then I realized I had a secret weapon. My sex appeal.

Yeah, baby.

It was muddy that day, 'cause it had rained the day before, which means that I got muddy when falling down. A muddy blond gorgeous genius is probably one of the sexiest things in the world. Honestly. I moaned. "Sasuke! I'm all muddy now!" I pouted, opened my jumpsuit and took it off. "The only thing not muddy on me now is my T-shirt!"

I fell back down. Intentionally, of course.

"Now my T-shirt is muddy too. I have mud all over." I pouted even more cutely than I had before, and took off my T-shirt as well. Sasuke looked awfully sceptical. Great. That meant that he didn't know whether I was doing it on purpose or not.

I was.

"I have mud on my stomach too. Would you look, Sasuke? All the way down there! All the way down to my pants." I pointed at my stomach for good effect. He glared at me, with a hint of a blush on his cheeks.

"Would you stop it?" He sort of spit it out. I laughed. I got to him. I am so good.

"Why? Am I giving you a hard-on in the middle of the street?"

Sometimes, I just don't get the bastard. He is so irrational. I was just teasing, come on. He didn't have to take it so seriously. But he did.

He pushed be up against the wall and snarled at me. I sort of wished I could snarl like that. It's really scary, and it shuts most people up.

"Listen, idiot. Yes. You are giving me a hard-on in the middle of the street. I do want to push you up against something and do you when you do shit like that." He was talking in to my ear. I shuddered.

"You're making me feel really, really small. I'm your best friend. And you should stop playing with me. Especially after all that shit you just put me through. It's really pissing me off."

And then he left. Just like that. As if he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Acting all high and mighty. Bastard. Leaving me alone there making me look like the bad guy! I mean, come on! What did I do? I just got some mud on my stomach, goddamnit. Getting pissed over some mud is just… irrational! Yeah.

I walked home, all muddy and pissed off. I wasn't singing anymore. I was mumbling. Angry rants about a certain asshole being a jerk and not being able to take a joke.

"It was just mud… Asshole being so… pricky. Shithead."

And poof, Kakashi was standing in front of me. He smiled that freaky smile of his and lifted one eyebrow. Or maybe both. It could be both. It probably is. Anyway.

"Is your boyfriend treating you bad, Naruto?" I tried to kick the ass, and he laughed. I opened my mouth to speak, but he interrupted me. "I know, I know. He's not your boyfriend, right?" I nodded firmly, finally someone got it! Kakashi leaned closer and whispered. I hate it when people whisper. It's like they pretend what they're saying is really important and totally true and all, and its really annoying.

"If he's not you boyfriend, and you don't _feel_ that way about him… how come after him whispering a couple of words in your ear you turned hard?"

The perv looked down at my crotch. And goddamn, the fucker was right. How could I _not_ have noticed? I mean, come on! You notice it when you get a hard-on in the middle of the fucking street! You notice it when you get a hard-on everywhere! Whenever! And here I've been walking down the street with a hard dick, muttering Sasuke's name, and not noticing! God, it was embarrassing.

I still say he tricked me. Put a jutsu on me or something. I mean, I said something about him going hard over me in the street, and then I go hard over him in the street right after saying that. It's not a coincidence. It's not.

And I'm gonna learn that jutsu. It could probably be smart to know.

Anyway.

I kicked Kakashi really, really hard, and ran home, thinking about Gai in a thong the entire way. And for your record, that helps. Every time. In case you should need it sometime.

When I got home, I slammed the door beside me, closed all the curtains and locked myself in the bathroom.

Not doing what you think I did, perverts. No, I did nothing perverted. I did something much better and smarter than that. I panicked.

"What the fuck? What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck, WHAT THE FUCK?!"

A neighbour yelled at me to shut up, and I yelled back.

"SHUT UP; BITCH! I'm currently having sexuality problems here!" Then I hit my head on the wall, really hard, and it really hurt, and I remember laughing hysterically while ripping out my own hair and shaking all over and then I think I passed out.

Not fainted.

Passed out.

When I woke up again on the bathroom floor I was really confused. Not because of what happened with Sasuke and all, cause I couldn't really remember that at that time, but, well, because I woke up on the bathroom floor. I don't usually wake up there. My head hurt, and some of my beautiful blond hair was lying on the floor next to me and I couldn't really figure out what the fuck had happened. Then someone knocked on my door and I didn't have to think about it anymore and I was actually really grateful for that. My head was already hurting, and if I had to think as well… I don't really want to think about it.

"Naruto? You in there? Let me in, will ya?"

I heard a growl from the other side of my front door and figured it was Kiba. I opened the door. He entered with a smirk on his face. I tried to close the door before he got in. His damn dog interfered.

Kiba walked into my home as if he'd been doing it every day of his life. He sat down on my couch, and smirked some more.

"The prick got you horny today, eyh?"

Boom, and it hit me. What had happened. A very manly shriek escaped my lips before I could stop it, and Kiba laughed.

"So it's actually true. Everyone's talking about it." He made himself comfy, and I think I might have mouthed "fucking Kakashi" 'cause he raised his hand and said "Now, now. Don't blame your sensei. You were walking around with a hard-on. Stuff like that don't go on unnoticed."

I don't blush. Ever. It's not a cool and sophisticated thing to do, and we all know I'm both of those things. I don't blush. But I think I might have done so right then.

"I…" I choked on my own word. "It was just a bit of mud, goddamn!" Kiba looked confused. I pointed to my stomach. "Bastard was making fun of me, so I used my sex appeal, and I don't know, all of a sudden he was angry and said that I should stop playing with him and that I make him feel small and that made me feel like an ass, but he was still whispering in my ear and I felt his breath on me and I don't know!" I huffed and calmed myself down. "It was just… a bit… of mud." I mumbled as I sat down on the couch.

"You do know that you're so totally in love with that guy, right?" Kiba was serious now. I put my head in my hands.

I wasn't really sure anymore.

Fucking asshole prick.

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So yes. That was that for this time. I know it's not much, I know it's not that good, but at least I updated and I have every intention on finishing this fic. Goddamn.


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